Journey of a Momma

Animoto.com

2009-12-11T23:23:00.001-08:00

Can't Sleep...

2009-07-10T01:36:00.000-07:00

I am having trouble going to sleep.

I can't seem to turn off my brain nor keep my eyes from opening.

I laid awake wishing I was asleep and hoping I would just pass out quickly.

But here I am - awake - typing away with not a whole heck of a lot to say.

It's rather pathetic actually and now I'm wondering why I'm even allowing my fingers to dance about the keys as if they already had at least a few good hours of deep, uninterrupted sleep.

Again, my finger tips are dancing, my mind is trying to say some thing remotely intelligent and my eyes are watering because that's how they let me know that I am truly exhausted.

To no avail, the tips are typing, the mind forming words, and the eyes blurred to no end.

Help! How do I turn my brain off? Oh, wait, I think I've morphed into a vampire or a bat or a freaking weirdo, with nothing to say, but awake like the light of day!

Good god, man! Get it together and say good bye already!!!

We can't say the fingertips, I won't says the brain, and we're flowing a river by now say the eyes.

What?! Says the 'little' voice inside. The same little voice that told me to get up because I could not sleep. The same little voice that said if I got up and did a few things, then I would be ready to sleep, the same little voice that is making me wish I had never let the little voice out of wherever it comes from, because otherwise I'd be at least lightly slumbering if nothing else, instead I'm typing like a mad woman who has not said a thing in the time it has taken to type all of this crapola, voila!

OOPS!

2009-06-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

Dear faithful and unfaithful followers of my blog,

I made a few minor changes on my blog but saw that one particular minor change omitted the check marks. These check marks were from your reactions to a specific post. So I wanted to apologize if yours was omitted.

Please feel free to add back your check mark if you would like. If not then no problem...

Thanks for checking out my blog!

Shalom, Kim

I Love You Song...by kim written in 2005

2009-06-03T00:34:00.000-07:00

“i love you”

this heart and this life
is wandering among this world
not always sure where i’m headed
but you have your eyes on me

with the air so cold
and my breath caught in my throat
i take you in and you freshen me - and i say. . .

i love you
i love you
i love you
(3x)

with the sun peeking through the mist
the morning’s here to greet me
the trees, they whisper your name
deeper within me - and i say. . .

i love you
i love you
i love you
(3x)

the inconsistency of my life
breaks your very heart
spirit, you’ve got a hold on me
no matter i may stray
you embrace me

my words are few and simply said
my heart deeply inspired by you
oh, my voice calls out to you
you complete me - and i say. . .

i love you
i love you
i love you
(3x)

bridge:
i don’t always understand
i can’t even pretend to fully know you
but you keep stepping in
to free me (last 2 lines - 2x)

oh my lord, oh my god
oh my father i love you
(3x)

i love you
i love you
i love you
(1x)

Pouring Forth (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

Pouring forth from the depth of the soul:

In the desert with blowing sand, in the rain barefoot, in creativity with artistic passion, in voice with much to speak of, in welcoming arms willing to share their lives, in words for those willing to take in, in photos of unseen captivity, in love til death do us part, in rhyme with no reason, in poetic justice for those living unjustly, in the forest under a safe canopy of brooding arms, in the heart that is restless for much adventure and misadventures, in the eyes that they may see and do all that is of me, for me in the past, the present and and all that I was created to be and am becoming.

The talking wind: poetry by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:11:00.000-07:00

Speak to me of my life•
Make it so I can understand•
Whisper the love that has embraced me•
Whisper the kindness of this one's sweetness•

Speak to me of my life•
Make it plain for me to see•
Show me visually where I have done wrong•
Show me visually how I may make it right•

Speak to me of my life•
Make it so that I can hear•
Sing to me the grace that I may grasp•
Sing to me the grace that I need and must extend•

Speak to me of my life•
Make it difficult or make it easy•

Speak to me of my life•
Make it so that I will always show love in the most possible ways•

Speak to me of my life•
Make me embrace the one that I am and grow in understanding to the one I will become•

Oh, you the spirit that takes shape as the wind•
Blow through this complicated being and cleanse me within•

Oh, you the spirit that takes shape as the wind•
Come sweep your loving and feather-soft hands across my furrowed brow•
Soften the wrinkles that show of my concerns in life•

Come swish your gentle body through this fragment of a figure so that it may be ready•
Ready to take in the love of others, the pain of others, tears of children, the loss of memory of old age, the broken hearted, the homeless wanderer, the rapist, the victim, the abandoned, the one in the darkness of their soul•

Blow through me so that I am no longer entrapped by my selfishness •
Blow me out so that I too may become like the spirit who takes shape as the wind •
So that I may bring peace to others, extend grace to others, to endure and love others, to help others in their very moment of need and most of all make time for others at all possible moments•

How quickly life can leave us and sometimes without a moment to say goodbye•
Oh, spirit that takes shape as the wind•
Please speak for me when I am gone so others will know I have loved, I have enjoyed, I have laughed, I have thought of them•

Oh, spirit you are marvelous in all your ways: through the wind, through my dreams, through my words, through my eyes, through my heart and most of all through my life•

Oh, spirit you have given me a wonderful and marvelous life•
I shall cherish it to the end•

Oh, spirit draw near and close to Michael always•
I whisper to him of my love in moments of despair, in moments we shared•
But when my time has come I know he will be in great pain•

Oh, spirit speak to his heart, his mind and comfort him of my love for him, forever more•
Blow your spirit through him of who we were together and what he will become•
I know you make me arise so that others will know that I have lived and loved in and through them•

Shalom,

Kim

The Glory of A Returned Journey : poetry by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:10:00.001-07:00

The hills beyond the grassland whispers of things to come, to see and enjoy.

Walking knee deep in the golden thresh, of the sway, of the grass brings to mind the journey one must take to reach the next moment of exhilaration.

The air is stale making the lungs work greater for deeper breaths.

The humidity of the day does not let on that it will reprieve itself from the cloudy sky.

Reaching deep within the confines of this biological, skeletal being, the muscles work to move every joint, every member in a rhythmic cadence.

The quiet crushing of grass underfoot is a reminder that it's an intruder wandering this land of ancestors.

The surroundings are lush and green.

There are vast pockets of water that seem almost frozen with movement.

The air is foreign to this being, this intruder, who continues on its way to the next new moment.

There seems to be a noisy quietness that overwhelms the grassland, as it supports the hills from below.

The grassland teems with a great amount of life, wild, free, and unpretentious to its friends the hills.

The hills themselves seem to speak of a more quiet air that even dare say seems more sacred, more holy.

As each footing moves forward in direction, the ears are open, the heart is beating quickly, the mind works to recall perhaps a hint of familiarity, and the eyes are simply overwhelmed.

The aroma of this land is pungent, foreign, repulsive, yet welcoming to this intruder.

Just beyond the grassland and these hills bounds a more rambunctious bit of life beyond the horizon of this land.

The whizzing of motor bikes, the smells of fresh dishes, the chatter of a people selling their goods, street-side.

The noise is most overwhelming and constant but speaks of the goings on of a people in perpetual motion.

There are delicacies to be had, fresh from a boiling pot, there are trinkets made by hand, and drinks to be shared with another.

The sites and sounds only begin to subside as the day slowly draws to dusk, but the remnants of the days activities are still fresh in one's mind.

You'd think with all the noise of the township, that it would clearly echo its voice loudly and clearly to the quiet of the grasslands and hills, but neither knows of the other except by way of the traveling beings from one place to the other. Only to speak of such things when the other is not near.

This intruder prefers the quiet of the farmland, while its adventurous side looks forward to another day in the land of the masses. But only to return to the grassy lands where the vast pools of water, that mirror the hills from beyond, as though they were within reach.

This journey has only just begun and whether this has all been in one's head or whether it's footing has actually touched the quiet grassland, there could never be another journey quite like this - of one returning to one's motherland.

These Hands: poetry by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:09:00.001-07:00

These hands have been in motion from the moment I was conceived.

These hands were the cilia that helped me figure out my world as a small child.

These hands, though asian are no different than my white sisters, my black brothers, my indian friends.

The phalanges that extend from the wrists of this being have learned to color with crayons, write with a pencil, do cursive in permanent ink.

They have held my body in midair as I learned to do cartwheels.

They have gracefully interpreted the emotions of a classical ballet piece.

They have gripped a tennis racquet, with sweat in between the leather and my epidermis, while running around on a court in hundred degree weather.

These hands have had my fingers jammed from 'setting' the volley ball for my fellow players.

These hands have created many a artistic projects for my family and friends on special and non-special occasions.

These long, somewhat slender fingers have dreamed of being a concert pianist while playing the ever challenging musical piece 'chop sticks'.

My hands have held the very hands of my husband from day one to the present, every day.

My hands are the tools in which I have learned many skills that employed me, have given me joy, have gotten me in trouble, have covered my mouth in a frozen surprise, have waved hello and goodbye to many loved ones through the years.

These hands with many miles on them are still young in years, and yet with so much life in them still, that I need not be surprised by what they will do for me next.

These hands have so desired, along with my heart, to embrace a lost child, an orphaned child, a sickly child, my own child,

So as the years have come and gone, these hands, my hands have allowed me to comfort the hurting, celebrate with a loved one, hugged a homeless person, clapped at a child's accomplishment or silliness, caressed the face of a newborn baby, and spoken another language through signing.

These hands, my hands have given little, have taken much and seek more ways to be used in the life of others.

These hands that have been so carefully and wonderfully made perfect, as well asfunctional, await for the abundance of new work, more sorrow, always ready to get dirty, waiting for a future of continued purpose.

Thank you, god, for these hands...

Ashes, Dust, Life...poem by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:07:00.000-07:00

Life begins with a breath
Exhale
Inhale
Draw in what you need

Life plays out individually
Some share tall tales
Some share interesting tales
Others will share sad tales
More will no longer have a tale to tell

Life ends for each of us
Some unexpectedly
Some with celebration
She with terror
He with weakness
They with understanding
The little one unknowing

Life means something different for each of us
It was exuberant
It was interesting
It was nonexistent
Others it meant little
Others it was colorful

Life is a different color to each of us
Some saw red
Some saw African sky orange
She saw the purple of old age
He saw the yellow of a cornfield
They saw the grey of a gun barrel

Some say life and death are really the same
I used to not fathom such talk
But now I see how it could be
Life is fullness
Death is having had the fullness of life
And to remain fulfilling even past death

How could that be one may ask
I don't pretend to know
But if life is living, death is dying
then passing on must lead you to somewhere or something
Yes?
No?
I don't know...

Life
Death
Ashes
Dust
Still alive and with fullness
You, me us, they, them
Scatter where we long to return

To the sea
To the mountains
To a loved one
To home, wherever that may be
or in whom it may be

Hope Is Present In The Quiet Of The African Night...poem by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:06:00.001-07:00

The wisp of the netting contains one in it's sheath, providing protection from the life beyond the threads of the thin cloth.

The native wanderers wait for just the right moment to come forth, entering the present of the night.

The settling of the earth is warm from the day's heat, yet welcomes the cool of the night

The cloudless african sky glitters with the life of the stars beyond, illuminated simply by the light of the moon.

The quiet of the african night lays claim to the souls that have settled in for an evening of sleep, of rest and a stillness unlike the day.

The night lends itself to the rhythm of the very souls breathing, as the dreams in their heads lay simple and pleasant joys wanting and remembered from long ago.

The quiet of the african night freshens the weary souls whose lives find each day more challenging than the next.

In the quiet of the african night, a sense of hope still prevails before the golden sun rises in the East, leaving the calm of sleep in the eyes of one awaking to the light of day.

Hope can remain in the quiet of the african night.

Hope must remain in the quiet of the african night.

But hope must also push through the quiet of the african night, to the rays of the dawning day. So that the very souls have more than sorrow and hopelessness to rise above from.

Hope is present in the quiet of the african night, but may that same hope be present in the light of day, every day. Not just in the night.

painting by mo osmon

The Sounds of Life...poem by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-03T00:04:00.001-07:00

Listen here.

Still your footsteps for one moment.

Stop your breathing for the moment so as not to interfere with the other sounds of life.

Do you hear the water trickle from the stream, as it makes it way around twigs and pebbles?

Close your eyes to catch the sounds of a butterfly flitter from one flower to the next.

Still your heart to the beat of drumming tribes.

Halt your mind from whizzing by this way or that way.

Open your mind to the sounds of a child being born this very moment.

Tune your ears to the wind as it whispers gently across the face of a parent working in the fields.

Slow your hands so they hear the footsteps of your child running into your arms.

Calm your spirit as it wonders what all the noise is about.

Whisper to your spirit that the sounds of life are to lift you away to places unknown.

Whisper to the spirits of others that you have come to enjoy the sounds of their lives.

Speak deeply to your soul so that it may be comforted by the aching cries within you.

Call to jesus that his spirit will free you to venture to sounds of the lives of others.

Listen here.

Come my way to be quieted and given peace of the sounds of your life.

Listen here.

Plant your footsteps in my path that will halt the sounds of your fears.

Listen here.

Return To The Familiar...poem by kim (2nd go-around for this post)

2009-06-03T00:01:00.000-07:00

There comes a time when the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar

Familiar because one has tread upon its dusty roads, slept upon its cemented floors, taken up residence with a familiar people
Familiarity as common as spoken words, tribal songs, shared life, experienced death, and danced without hesitation

When the soul finds its place of familiarity, it seeks out greater experiences than it once had before
Not because it disliked those experiences prior, but simply to be reminded why the soul has returned from time apart and why it now desires the love it has been distant from

The soul is reminded of sunrises, sunsets, windswept days, smells not so foul to them, laughter in the distance, wailing of death in the evening air, footprints going and returning from the village market, rickety buses expanded by the life of chickens, the freshness of fruits, the wreaking of sweat, the loudness of the roaring engine, the crampness of lives touching so closely and so familiar.

Music is universal and so too is a rhythmic soul
Clapping, smiling, laughing, drums beating, the circle of life unbreakable, children observing their elders,
dogs barking in unison, the earth moving in joyous sound and thunderous movement

There comes a time when the soul will experience far more than it can handle
Though laughter is present, so too is the reality of life so limited, sometimes so harsh, and death is inevitable, regardless where the soul wanders

But what shame that the soul must experience death in a manner that is victimizing, rampant, a terrorist among
the throng of people
It is a means to an end with no real understanding of its purpose
Mothers, fathers, aunt, uncles, grandparents and children will see the end of their lives
Greater number of mothers and fathers will lose their lives early
Grandparents will be left with the children to raise unless they too leave this earth before the children have had
time to grow up in life
The children will wonder what will become of them if all have left them, with nothing to help carry them to their future

Oh, the children...The future without AIDS
Their lives so innocent, so refreshingly alive, and yet what will become of them
Who will dry their tears, who will comfort them during a thunderstorm, who will embrace them when their soul is weary
What will become of them
Does anybody know
Does anybody care

Sometimes the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar
It is the soul that will find a way to help these people to help themselves in living a better life
It is the soul that will need to teach, educate, demonstrate, implement ways that they, the children, the grandparents, those left behind and not afflicted by the enemy of AIDS
It is the soul that must find ways to deplete the destruction of AIDS to so many
and yet other enemies will come calling though they are not welcomed, though they may be familiar

What greater value is there of one's future, the children, as they carry on with the traditions, the culture, the language, the stories, the history
So it must be said that the familiar ways the very soul has interpreted is as their own people, their own families, their own sisters, brothers, aunt, uncles, grandparents, their own likeness yet a world and many miles away from their own

Though the soul is strong in many ways, it simply cannot take on all that is before it, without the asking of other hands, hearts, prayers and resources
The soul is weak without these others
The soul will simply crumble among the monstrosity of the familiar and the enemies
The familiar desires the soul but not for the price of its death, whether in spirit, money, government or in body
The familiar relishes the love and the embracing from the soul in whatever regard

Familiarity is spiritual, is worthy, is appreciative, is a presence so unlike something the soul could ever experience and forget

There comes a time when the soul must wander into new territory
Sometimes that new territory is familiar
The soul asks nothing more than the familiar

I've Become Blind... (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

When I think of someone getting old, I don't think of myself.

Have I gone mad? Have I gone blind?

What makes one old in the eyes of another?

When did I begin to realize that I am no longer 25?

What possessed me to remind myself of what I feel like and not what my age may give away?

When did the laugh lines begin to form down and no longer up?

Where in the world does the concept of aging gracefully come from?

Why is there is a difference of standard for aging women versus men?

Why do most women tend to age more uh, shall we say less beautiful with age?

Is this god's sense of humor toward women?

Or was it to continue to boost men's egos up until the very the end?

I sure hope my being Asian will truly be an advantage to me, and so far it has, but will I be one of the lucky ones who ages with beauty over time? Or just the opposite?

Yikes! Imagine me at 65! Hello, world here I come! Wrinkles, flab, gray haired, saggier eyelids, salt and peppered moustache between the nose and upper lip, and a triple chin.

Good thing I already had a face lift before all these things could happen to me at 40. If only I could have afforded to...

So, I guess I've become blind as the years have gone by, but I guess it's helped in the sanity department. Too much too soon would have pushed me over the edge. And not a moment too soon.

So, the secret to aging is not acknowledging it all and just imagining oneself when viewed in a mirror that 'I am the fairest of them all.'

I don't think I will be able to keep up that mantra but hey, I'm alive and that counts for something!

Wind, Rain, Storm...poem by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-02T23:58:00.000-07:00

Wind, whistle away, whistle away, say the swaying trees. We bend, we dance, we stir with passion for the coming rains.

You, wind are the drums that keep the rhythm of the storms to be.

Rain, come down, come down, says the ground below. We await the quenching of our thirst for you, and for the nutrients you provide so abundantly.

You, rain are the pounding of feet dancing around a ring of fire.

Clouds full of moisture, you are the towers that spring forth the water from your silos.

Thunder and lightening, you are the friends who are the life of the storm. You bring excitement, fear, and a beautiful show that can be seen and heard from miles away.

I'm in awe of how all of these instruments come together to create beautiful music from time to time.

I never tire of their company nor of the rich and beautiful gifts in which they each bring with them.

How lucky am I to enjoy the show and applaud the creator who provides the stage for such a production.

Bicycles...photos by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-02T23:57:00.001-07:00

Today is just so beautiful in Chico. Though I would prefer it to be a bit colder and more crisp. But it's not and I needed to enjoy what we have. So I went to One Mile, in Bidwell Park, and took a bunch of photos.

I always have fun just enjoying the smells, the sounds and whatever catches my eyes.

Bicycles seemed to one of the themes while I was out and about. So hope you enjoy!

So Much...photos by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-02T23:55:00.000-07:00

I was only at One Mile the entire time I was shooting photos. There was so much to shoot in just that part of the park alone. I barely covered maybe a sixteenth of Bidwell Park!

Which is so amazing to think about how much land was held as open space for folks from all over to enjoy. And I am one of the lucky ones. I look forward to tracking other parts of the park and seeing what kind of goodies that I will see through the view finder.

There is so much out there to see that I often wonder what it would be like to be blind. I know Helen Keller and many more lived and continue to live such amazing and productive lives. But I wonder some times if I would be able recall such beauty before having gone blind. It seems like I would but then other senses would be highly enhanced due to the loss of one of the senses. So I wonder how I would do. Just a thought..

Old Photos Taken...photos by kim (2nd go-around for post)

2009-06-02T23:53:00.000-07:00

Do You See Me? I See You... (2nd go-around for this post)

2009-06-02T23:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we have the inability to see one another. But most of the time, I believe, we intentionally ignore one another because of our unwillingness to stop and engage beyond a surface level.

How are we to speak to another if the 'Burqa' covers who each of us is? Why not stop and ask to remove the hindrance so that we can honestly and openly communicate with them? Why are we so afraid of each other? What will we lose by taking time to speak beyond just the quick, casual glance of the eye?

Isn't this why we are on earth together? To get to know and understand one another better? How are we to do that if we keep ourselves behind locked doors, behind dark sunglasses? Behind our tinted windows? Behind the magazine at the grocery line?

I feel there would be less people feeling alone if we were just capable of sharing our lives with one another, with an acceptance and permission to be truly open and honest.

This doesn't in no way imply that we will not have days where we will hide behind our own 'Burqa' or of another's. But it is imperative that we take big, small and many moments in our lives to speak eye to eye. So that each sees the other for who each is.

It can be done. I think it needs to continue to be done. And as long as we are on earth with one another, shouldn't we be finding ways to better understand and love one another?

Why Is It?

2009-06-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

Why is it when you want something so badly that you ache so deeply that you wonder if you will survive?

Why is it that getting angry is such a good feeling some times? Yet sucks as an aftermath?

Why is it that my daughter feels she has an important duty to whine every single day and for hours at a time?

Why is it that I am still a tomboy but still hate and loathe, really, bugs of all kinds. This is one of my beefs with god...hahaa!

Why is it that when we have become the some thing that we've always wanted to be, and then find it is not all it is cracked up to be...and then still some how try to pretend to ourselves that we are enjoying it and that this is what we always wanted...so just suck it up? Why do we torture ourselves like this?

Why is it that humanity makes it so difficult to be TRULY authentic of a person, especially in terms of sharing one's rawest of emotions, one's rawest of stories that may show a dark side of you, or feel that we have to hide behind such facades in order to be considered 'okay' by what...society? EESH!

Why is it that I have found a place of escapism that makes me keep checking to see if others value me in some way or another?

Why is it that I always have these friggen deep and raw thoughts, and have to resort to writing in in a blog, and wondering if anyone is going to read it or even make a check mark or comment on any postings of mine?

Why is it that self deprecation is not considered a 12 step needed program?

Why is it that my dreams are always so vivid and realistic that I'd rather not sleep than to have to be frozen for those moments, but seem like hours of reality dreams. And then I'm exhausted the next morning?

Why is it that some parents can handle 'twins' and 'triplets' and others like me feel like I'm such a wimp - meaning that I don't take them to the park or swimming or to Chuck e. cheese by myself? I see other parents doing it...

Why is it that I have so many friggen questions that no one is going to answer, yet still feel like they need to be stated?

Why is it that I feel at a loss for when I most need them?

Why is it that others get great breaks and others don't?

Why is it that my son, nate, is the sweetest most lovable teddy bear yet has the patience the size of a mustard seed.

Why is it that matthew will never be ours forever?

Why is it that I am shoving, pushing, hitting, screaming, yelling, crying at/to god when things are good, yet I feel perpetually out of sync?

Why is it that I did get an amazing hubby, but still can be mad as hell at him from time to time?

Why is it that I wear my emotions on my sleeve and now my words and my world in both a virtual and a blogging world?

Why is it that being married is easy yet so silly yet so complicated?

Why is it that I/we can't live in a world that every one accepts everyone for who they are and not put limitations on someone's love for another?

Why is it that I am so damn liberal and yet I have chosen to live such a traditional lifestyle?

Why is it that some of these questions will not or just don't make sense?

Why is it that a new/continued Seinfeld isn't making me laugh heartily anymore?

Why is it that I am so short, yet not called a midget?

Why is it the term midget means midget?

Why is it that I am continuing to ask questions that make no more sense?

Why is it that I can't seem to stop typing these questions?

Why is it that...

For Whom? A Poem

2009-04-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

This being that I am was created for something

What I will never truly know

But to say that I have not strived for something greater would be a shame

But to whom? Myself? God?

I don't really understand why I have not accomplished what I consider great things

But it apparently is not for me to know

Why not? I ask.

When and what will it look like if I were to do some thing great

For whom? Myself? God?

I know I am just a piddly little speck of dirt amongst the world of beings

But why must I desire to do great and not accept those things I do as great?

For whom? Myself? God?

I am often told or reminded that I need to be thankful for what I have accomplished

I say I am, but what about my doing great things, I say to myself

For whom? Myself? God?

I have become and still do sometimes feel frustrated when I see others doing great things

And I look at myself and my life and say, what great things have I done?

I have done the usual - married a wonderful man, adopted wonderful kiddles, have security, a home, extended families on both sides, own two cars and one kitty that likes to sleep on my pillow at night.

But I still say, so what? Lots of people have done those very things or have those very things, why am I not doing great things?

For whom? Myself? God?

I have gone round and round with this question for as long as I can remember.

I have tired from it but still can't seem to let go of its ideology for myself.

When all is said and done, I wonder if I will STILL be wondering when and what great things I will do

For whom? Myself? God?

Today I can say I am silly for having this notion but tomorrow I will still ask the same question

When and what great things will I be doing

For whom? Myself? God?

And tomorrow I will hear that I AM DOING GREAT THINGS and to just shut the hell up

But deep down those words are just not enough to hear

Until I hear it from the one that created me

Because it is of that one that I have the beef with and I am wanting to know

For whom? Myself? God?

Mark and Olly and Cultural Anthropology

2009-03-30T22:01:00.000-07:00

http://www.travelchannel.com/TV_Shows/Mark_and_Olly

Thanks to my DVR, I have been fortunate enough to have watched the last two series that they have done - The Kombai Tribe and then the Mek Tribe. And now they just finished their third Machigenga Tribe. I so enjoy watching their show, simply because I sooo wanted to become a cultural anthropologist but was told that you can't do much with a Sociology degree at that time, so I changed gears.

As a very young kid, I had seen, on PBS, the documentary about the Yamamamo Tribe and was utterly fascinated by this amazing discovery and what it took to become one with these people, who knew little of the outside civilization beyond their forested jungle. I yearned to one day be one of those who helped discover, learn from, live among and also complete a documentary on such a tribe as the Yamamamo. Then years later, I had purchased a video about a tribe that had never heard the bible nor had their own language written out. And thought that would be amazing also - not only to help develop a tribe's own tongue but to also decipher it into a bible of their own. Even though I thought the bible thing was awesome, I was still more about the other cultural aspects of indegionous tribal life and what can the outside world learn from such a people, myself included!

But looking back at this dream and wishing for so many years that I had been able to really make it become a reality, I also realized that I probably would not have done as well as I gave myself credit, which is kind of sucky to say, but I know, deep down, was true.

For one, I don't have the gift of language, and thus I would have had great difficulty in learning another indigenous' language. Secondly, I am basically deaf in one ear and have only 80% hearing in the other ear, thus the language automatically would be a challenge just on that level, and never mind just trying to learn and decipher a tribe's language. And lastly, I don't know that I would have been a strong enough woman, to enter these tribes and have come out of them making the same kind of strides that Mark and Olly had done nor other anthropologists have done before these two. Many of past anthropologists were men, and were more so widely accepted into an indigenous tribe than would a woman, like myself, would have. And I'd like to think that I would have been able to really have an impact on these amazing and hidden people, but reality strikes like a match, and the burning deep down says, that my match would have blown out long before it even reached it's point of burning down the stick itself.

So disheartening and yet something that I just could not ignore, every time I dreamed, day dreamed or desired such a role among such a people. Even though I know these things about myself, there is still a huge part of me that is extremely fascinated by such an experience that I am hoping in my next life that maybe I'll be granted to do something such as what I'm speaking of...but then maybe not...who knows...BIG SIGH...

So, my life hasn't really gone the way I thought it would, it's not bad at all, but I guess I had hoped for more and had tried to hold myself at a higher place than I was meant for... Perhaps the thought of so many kiddles made it to my stream of consciousness, at such a young age, as to divert me to this propensity of cultural learning, although I would not become a parent until my 40's. So, I'm not sure what all that says, but I still think about what it would be like to be a cultural anthropologist. I even became prompted to meet with the head of the Anthropology department and talk with him about my working in this area of a degree and seeing what it would take to get to where I was looking and wanting to go...But that didn't go any where...

I ended up working with students on the Chico State campus instead. Okay, that in itself is it's own cultural anthropological arena. So, as I look back on my life thus far, I have been able to see
(in hindsight, of course) that I was getting myself into the anthropology of this one subculture, college students. And how...the group that Michael and I lead many were students on the fringe of society. They were the needy, the alcoholic, the gay, those that challenged the christian faith, the bipolar, the rebel, the okay to be called heathens, the has-been christian, with a few more 'normal' christian white america thrown in. So, I guess I can say, that I have been able to work in the cultural anthropological field - it just wasn't what I had in mind many, many, many years ago.

I used to get really angry about not having been able to be an anthropologist but within that anger, I also knew that I was and continue to be made to do something that I am not at all aware of...but that I need to be willing to have humility, continue to be vulnerable and willing to take on what comes my way despite what I desire. My desires are good and applaudible, but not that I was meant to do in this life time. It's taken me years to reach this conclusion and now I am finally okay with it and can move on from here.

I guess I can say that I continue to grow as a human being and continue to evolve, though it would be nice to know a lot more of the details, but that's not the way it apparently is suppose to be...At least in my case...

Virtual or Reality Friends?

2009-03-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

So, here I am a momma of three kiddles two of which have weekly therapy, pretty much the same time, the same places, with the same therapists. And when we don't have therapy we play, we watch tv, we sing, we dance, we play in water when it's only 40 degrees outside, we eat meals, we eat snacks, we fight, we cry, we scream, we use the big potty, we beg, we whine, we negotiate, we use momma when we can, we use her as a play structure, we use her as our protector, we get mad at her, we hit her, we bite her, we kick her, we tickle her, we smile at her, we do what all toddlers do to their mommas. So, notice the change in voice as I wrote this?

This is typical of my daily mental formation. It has to be about being a momma, not getting things done because they are fighting, burning dinner because they are underfoot, going to the chiropractor because you are 3/4 the size of your momma. See there I go again. I also think it is attributed to not having a regular and adult conversations with adults that don't include kiddles. My kiddles' therapists - I love what they do for the kiddles, for our household, for our family and for my sanity. But aside from that there just hasn't been enough time spent rambling with another adult in an extensive conversation other than kid stuff.

To say all that I have decided not only am I an addict of Facebook, obviously have needed to get my fix, but that these are real people in the virtual world, with whom I have some amazing conversations with, albeit with minutes and even hours in between each topic. But that's beside the point. Also, I've decided that since I, a woman, apparently have about 25,000 words that I need to use each day, that I am seriously and currently back logged for the next five years at least. Because it hasn't worked out to have a moms group, or a few close friends to get together weekly because of everyone's schedules. So I have resorted to using the virtual world to meet the needs that real friends would give me - if it was a perfect world - so I am engaging in topics ranging from serious to junior high humor, no matter that I have far too many words to share, I just can't seem to meet my minimal quota for the day.

So this blog does help but unfortunately, I don't write on it enough to meet its quota either.

And for some that may be a wonderful thing that I'm not just rambling on about nothing.
Well, actually, I am but that's up to whomever decides for themselves the content of my writings.

So, I'm enjoying the virtual and my reality worlds colliding together.

Reminiscing...

2009-03-08T23:46:00.000-07:00

I just wrote out this story below for some one who is going through cancer treatment. And since I was going down memory lane, I thought I'd add it to my blog post. So here you go...

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On a beautiful Spring evening, a group of six of us gals and our small group leader were having an end of the year celebration. Particularly for those of us that were graduating from high school.

Every one was gathered around the table eating dessert and talking. Then our group leader asked the question of the night. "What did you hope to see God do in your future?" I was sharing the piano bench with my closest friend, Erin.

Everyone in the circle was to take a turn answering this question. One of the gals was going really deep and was even contemplating some difficult future issues.

We were all listening so intently that you actually could hear a pin drop, the air was that heavy.

Then I heard a high pitched sound coming from my posterior. I just acted as if nothing happened and hoped that no one heard.

Whew! No one heard and the talk was still heavy with future plans and God.

Then another high-pitched sound came out again, this time with a 1 and a 2 beat to it. Now, I was positive every one heard that one. It was so loud, how could you not?!

Again, no one said anything. By this time I'm trying to squeeze my posterior cheeks to keep from any further noises escaping.

But THEN... A really, really high-pitched noise escaped, this time it was so loud, my face went crimson and I just cringed with embarrassment. Again, no one said anything...Oh, but then someone did and asked what that noise was. My friend, Erin, spoke up and said,'Oh, it was just me rubbing the foot of the piano bench.' I was just dying inside. The person who asked just nodded their head and the talk continued.

But not a second too soon, another high-pitched squeaker came out... and someone had to ask, 'What was that?' Erin, once again, came to the rescue and just apologized for making that sound again. This time, I just couldn't hold it any longer, and I just said to the group, 'No, it wasn't, it was me and I farted.' Erin looked at me for a split second and we just broke out laughing...AND I could not hold in my high-pitched squeak while I was laughing. It just was coming out louder, and louder, and longer and in rhythmic cadence.

Of course, by now, I am just keeling over with laughter and squeaks. And tried so hard to squeeze my cheeks to prevent any more from escaping, but the more I laughed the more and I squeaked. Oh, my stomach hurt so much from the laughter and a bit from the embarrassment.

I think the laughter of all of us, at the table, lasted for a good fifteen minutes or more. I think we were all crying by the end of my fine event... I know I was...

Ah, the predictability of one's body. Or not...

Kiddles

2009-03-02T14:21:00.001-08:00

Boy, girl, boy, girl, boy, tom girl, boy, tomboy, girl, boy...

When I was younger I knew I always wanted to have children, twelve to be exact. Because, I got my education from reading the classic 'Cheaper By the Dozen' and watching movies like 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' with Lucille Ball, as well as the other classic 'My Father The Preacher'. Everyone seemed to have a large clan, and so of course, I wanted to also have one as such. I came from a family of seven so that was pretty close to twelve. And besides, in watching and reading all of those educational films and books, I understood that by having at least twelve children you, the parents, got a lot of help from the older kids. And when going out for a Sunday drive, you had to buy one of those cars that had the top down because otherwise not every body would fit in the car, and food just grew on trees since nobody ever went food shopping, so feeding my family of fourteen would be easy as pie. Then since there would be a large span in age between the youngest to the oldest, the oldest would help with supporting the family by getting jobs and using that income for the family. And my future husband would be thrilled to have twelve children since there would be so much help and extra income coming in, so he wouldn't have to work so hard. So, in all he'd think it was a win-win situation. And, of course, so did I!

But sadly that was my reality. But looking at my brood, I think three is a good number for now. We would like to adopt one more but are waiting for our current kiddles to be a bit more available to help us out. Nattie has already shown great signs of being a good helper when she isn't screaming or grabbing something from her brother's possession. Matthew, too, has shown he wants to help but doesn't quite have the same knack as Nattie. So, we're off to a good start when we finally do adopt our last baby. If truth be told, we would stop now if we knew we could keep Matthew forever...But the way things look currently, that is absolutely not going to happen so we're setting our sights on adopting another down the road.

And while enjoying staring at my kiddles for great lengths of time, just to enjoy what's going on in their little brains and taking pride in what they are striving for and accomplishing, makes me realize how these three creatures have come along way and will continue to grow and mature to be the kind of people we hope they were created to be. So, I'm hoping that with maturity and when the time is right for us to obtain a new child to our family, our kiddles will be the wonderful siblings to the newest addition. But we'll see when we cross that bridge...Should be interesting....

But I guess the one thing I have become very grateful for is that Nattie is not only all girl, but she also has a tendency toward being a Tom Girl. She is willing to get dirty, fall down and receive scraped knees and elbows and pick up bugs that the rest of us (Nate, Matthew and Momma) won't touch. So, I'm mighty proud of her and feel very lucky to have such a girl. Because god knows when she hits puberty and she becomes all-girl then I'm going to be totally in learning mode to keep up with her fashion, her makeup, her boy craziness, her need for attention, etc.
I am so opposite of her in this area that I have no clue really how to go about it all. But like I said, I'll be in learning mode and hopefully will have done some of my homework when she has reached the age of girlhood fully. I laugh when I think about those days ahead of me...But I realize I can only be open and willing to work with what she's been given and even take a few pointers from her perhaps...

Nate and Matthew will be boys for sure and I will have a lot to contend with and probably lots of broken body parts along the way. But I am all about bravado and no gain without pain.

But to write all of this and then to finally live it all out will be very interesting to say the least. I do look forward to those days ahead, but am definitely living and loving the moments we are in currently. I already can't believe how much time has passed so far...

All the joys of kiddles. I love it!

I Can...I Think...I Hope...I Pray...Damn! A Poem

2009-02-23T23:39:00.000-08:00

I know I can sing.

But does it sound anything like what I hear?

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

I know I can sing.

But my kiddles ask me not to.

Does it sound that bad to them or is it distorted by their lack of development?

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

I know I can sing.

People have given me accolades after my performance. But was it in truth or just to be kind?

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

The birds seem to enjoy my sounds, if they haven't left the tree.

But it is because they are waiting for their next flight plan or just scratching their feet on the bark?

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

Babies have giggled, smiled and cood when I sing. But is it because they are gassy, have no muscle control and mimicing only the sounds I was making?

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

I know I can sing.

I know I can sing.

I need to know if I can sing.

Will you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know.

I need to know.

I hope I can.

I pray that I can.

Damn!

If I'm having to question so much, I'm thinking I can't. And there just ain't no way around it no matter how many I ask, no matter how much I copy the artist on the radio, no matter how well I think I may do at kaorake, no matter if little grammas give me sweet nothings, no matter if and when the cows do decide to come home.

I need to know.

Can you nod once for yes, and nod twice for no?

I need to know
- because it would meet a great need deep within.
- because I want to be famous for such a talent.
- because I can think of no other gift I'd like than the gift of music to reach the soul of another.
- because I know I can sing and it would hurt too much to know I can't.

Would you just nod once for yes and just leave it at that?

Oh Why!

2009-02-23T23:21:00.000-08:00

I have been sitting here with Michael, relaxing, checking out Facebook, my newest addiction.
And we have music playing in the background of which I will stop and listen to what's playing reminisce about the song or the artist or both.

But the longer I've been sitting here and listening, I have returned to the notion that I have always wanted to be a singer. In a stupid and selfish way, I feel like I was jipped in this arena. I know, I know, we are suppose to be grateful for the gifts we were given and not dwell on what we didn't get. But SHIPS AHOY this is definitely one talent or gift that I sooo wished I had been given. I can't emphasize enough the heartbreak I have had over the course of my life, that I was not given this particular talent. I also always wanted to marry a singer - i.e. John Denver, and even dated a guy that looked eerily similar to him but couldn't sing to save his life. Well, there went my dreams out the window of being wooed by a talented singer. Then I met Michael and well, he just swept me off my feet by his good looks and complete willingness to try to understand me, support me and love me for just me being me. Again, no singer but definitely the best catch!

So I didn't get the singer guy, but heck why couldn't I have at least been given an ounce of talent to sing for a career or even for small crowds? That would have at least curbed this longing, this passion this need to sing to an audience of more than myself, and in the shower or car.

I know, I know I could rant and rave about this lack of gifting until the cows came home or until the end times arrive or when hell freezes over. But if it hasn't happened by now, it surely ain't gonna happen in this current lifetime of mine. And that just totally sucks to be me... At least I think so... But what do I know?

What? Huh? What Did You Say?

2009-02-22T23:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm realizing that I am spending too much time wondering if any one is going to read my blog. Not because it's great or anything, though the new look is pretty cool. But because I've realized that I have this need to know if people like what I've written. Okay, yes, that is a selfish and egocentric way of thinking. But if I'm honest with myself, then it actually is partially what this blog is about.

One it is a way for me to express myself. As I am better at writing it than articulating it verbally. I was never diagnosed with dyslexia, but I sometimes have wondered in all these years that I may have a mild case of it. I know what I want to say, and can even see the words I want to use, but once it comes out my mouth, well, that's just a whole different story.

Here's a simple example - It is an old one but a classic case for me:

One day, a long time ago, I was trying to tell my friend, Ann, that I had eaten something very yummy. I told her what it was but she was having a problem understanding what it was I was trying to say. She even was asking questions to help me to describe the food item. But I just kept repeating the word, because that was what coming out of my mouth. Well, after about five minutes of confusion, the light bulb went on for her and she just started laughing and could not stop for what seemed like at least five minutes. While she was laughing, I began laughing, though not knowing why I was laughing other than thinking - It was something I said and I wanted to desperately know what it was that was so funny.

Finally after composing herself and trying to reassure me that she wasn't really laughing AT me, she got it through my head that I was saying the food item backwards. I apparently didn't get what she was trying to convey to me but I accepted what she said and tried to say the food item in a more clearer form.

She finally had to ask me, 'do you mean, Fruit Cocktail?' I said, 'Yes, Cock Fruit Tail!' So happy that she finally figured out what I was trying to say. And she said it again, 'Fruit Cocktail, Kim'. And I said, 'Yes, it was Cock Fruit Tail, sheesh!'

Then BANG! like lightening hits a tree - it totally struck me that I was utterly making a fool out of myself by what I was saying.

I had been saying Cock Fruit Tail and I had no clue. Thankfully, she was so patient and sweet about it, though we did have a good laugh at my expense. Oh, well!

So, even to this day, I have transposed that canned fruit name many a times, and many a times probably didn't even realize it.

So in the twenty years that Michael and I have known each other, I have transposed a lot of words in our conversations. And we've gotten a lot of mileage from those incidents.

With all of that said, I just needed a place to get my thoughts down, my emotions in check and hopefully some one out there will enjoy what I write about. But if they don't well, I'll get over it.
I hope... :0}

But if I remind myself the deeper reason of why I have created this blog, which was to express myself through the written word, then I really don't have the need to know what others think.
And so I will just enjoy the process of writing and leave my need for personal gratification of others' opinions aside.

Me, The Dogs, and My Other Compadres...

2009-02-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

Nate is an animal lover, especially with dogs. He is just so sweet and loving with them, though the dogs don't always know or understand that. But more often than not, most of the dogs let him do what he will with them and then seem to realize it wasn't so bad.

Nate gets so tickled when he sees a dog especially if the dog is willing to chase him around, lick his face and enjoy Nates amount of rambunctiousness.

I loved this threesome of Nate and had meant to frame them. Apparently that never happened so I had to write about it instead. I can't believe these photos were taken in '07. It's just amazing how quickly time has passed and how much Nate has grown since then.

Despite the foreboding events of the said terrible twos, there is also so much learning, silliness, joy, and great fun during this time. I have actually loved this period despite some rough bumps, and some screaming, yelling and laughing moments.

There still is nothing like this time. It is just a learning experience for all involved. And I know I would not change any of it. Well, okay, I guess I would change a few things but they are minor and thus don't really matter in the scheme of things.

One other thing, the greatest experience is having three very different kiddles at the same age, showing me how much each is truly an individual and each has different needs and has different desires. But the one main thing they all have in common is that they just want to be loved. And with that - I have more love than I could have ever imagined for just one much less three kiddles.

Thank you Nate, Nattie AND Matthew for letting Daddy and I to love you all together and individually. We could never have imagined that you three would make up our family let alone our hearts. Thank you to each of you. I will always love you - Your Momma

Freaking Weird...

2009-02-22T00:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, now I get it...

I'm realizing that I've had to live close to half my life before I could even begin to truly understand the ways my brain will still plays games with me. My brain making me think, feel and even act as though I am still in my twenties, yet the 'back to reality' side of the brain reminds me that I actually am forty plus one and that is the trickery of this ol' brain that has taken me back to those feelings, those moments and those events of my twenties.

I've caught myself doing that and I must say it was a freaking weird feeling, and a depressing (for a few moments) realization when I came out of that trance-like state or far away place and time.

Life is such an interesting process to say the least...

And getting older is apparently no picnic either...

Me, Myself and What I Strive To Be...

2009-02-21T23:13:00.000-08:00

So, here I am in my early 40's and kind of reassessing life once again. I did this very same thing in my 30's and it proved to be a lot of hard work, rewarding emotionally and spiritually, as well as helping me to not be complacent about my life and where I am headed. I have no idea exactly where I am headed but I know that with out doing any of the hard work, to better myself, I know I would have had a lot more struggles, much more animosity against others, and feel worse about who I was becoming, and who I am on a daily basis.

I can't say that a specific person helped me in any of this but I can say that it was a make up of many people, many events, and a faith that reminded me that I had much to lose and much to gain by taking the steps I did to make amends, to live with a large dose of humility, ask for help without feeling like a burden, and continuously ask myself what areas can I work on to feel like I am becoming the person I feel I was created to be.

That faith I had once before in my 30's has changed tremendously. But I still consider some amount of faith in order to go forward and be what my husband needs me to be, as well as my three kiddles.

I've always been one who worried what people thought of me. I wanted so much to please people, to make the choices they wanted me to make and be sure they knew I appreciated what they did for me. But I know that more often than not, I'd have also very much disappointed those very people by my lack of discipline and procrastination. As I write this, I realize that I often felt a sense of expectation, pressure or what have you - and I'm sure it was I who put that on myself, thus I put off what I should have been doing, which was to please them.

Michael would say I am hard on myself, which is very true, but the pleaser in me seemed too often to be in conflict with myself. In wanting to do the right thing, I'd end up wasting time worrying about getting or saying or creating just the 'right' thing so that I would continue to be in good standing. It's such a psychological game and one I have worked very hard to lessen. BUT the poison is still there I have fallen in to the trap of doing it once again. All I know is that I am better than I was before but it still pisses me off that I still do it. Ugh!

My writing these thoughts help me to see that I'm still evolving. I know I will continue to move forward because I have chosen change over complacency.

One of the persons I want to be is giving my time, my heart, my words, my ears, my understanding to others who have little or no contact with others that take the time for these very things. Or to just be one more person who is interested in the life of another. I have been drawing inspiration from a friends mom, who would make food for the homeless weekly, I believe, and would just hang out and talk with people on the street, providing them not only a meal but conversation and eye to eye contact, that sense of actually existing. I have dreamed many times that I had the kind of money to provide a meal a week to the local street people in Chico. And it is something that I will continue to strive for as my kiddles get older. But I also want them to be a part of this active participation in our community, so that they can have an understanding of what others' lives are like beyond the lower and middle class of our society.

I pray that my kiddles will know, see and experience things of our society that are not all tidy and white America.

It Was Good To Be Young - A Very Simple Poem

2009-02-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

The smell of fried chicken wafts throughout the house. Mmmm!

Charlie nips at my heels to take him outside since I'm no louse.

Yesterday pizza, tomorrow pork chops - two meals that I really can't stand.

The washing running, the dryer done, my mom and I playing Candyland.

My siblings are busy, driving to and fro, today is house cleaning, oh no!

My job is to vacuum and dust the whole house, I give it some effort but I feel like going out.

Beef jerky is drying in the oven, one of my favorite treats, I wonder when it will be ready for all of us to eat.

Gymnastics at age six, ballet taken too, soccer at eight and and tennis at ten. But what I really became known for was tennis then.

School was not easy, counting change even more tough, but mom made sure that I couldn't get enough. The summers were for reading and writing book reports, and making me cry was our family dinner repertoire.

Being short among so many so tall, I never lost perspective of where I would fall.

The pecking order I did not like but it was what it was, and forever I am grateful for all the love there was.

My childhood was good, and at times seemed hard but these memories I now hold I simply can not disregard.

As I write this all down, it sure was fun, I am reminded of how good it was to be young.

Is This The Start Of One's Mid Life Crisis?

2009-02-20T04:27:00.000-08:00

Man, I've been laying in bed just thinking...and I can't seem to stop the thoughts. For the past two hours I have been going through flashbacks of my much younger years. So much so that I had to get up and write it down in hopes it is somewhat intelligible.

My first memories was recalling the lay out of my elementary school. It was just so weird to be thinking about all the details that I could envision, the number of classrooms, what classroom specifically I was in at various grades. I recalled where the various bathrooms were and the water fountains, as well as fondly remembering all of my teachers. Then I recalled the few spaghetti dinners my mom allowed us to go to. I had to somewhat beg her to go to a spaghetti dinner here or there because she couldn't stand those kinds of school functions, especially having been the last of her five kids. She thought she was out of the woods with those events. Sorry, Ma, to have had to put you through it all over again!

Then...my mind wandered off to when my parents took me to Europe with them, specifically to Austria for a three week vacation. It was the summer of my third year at the local junior college. Wow! I saw myself walking in the woods of the little village we called 'home base' for the three weeks. I was transported back to my room I shared with a girlfriend, that my parents allowed to come with us. The great conversations we had there, the smell of the clean, air-dried feather beds we slept on and those that also covered us. The recollection of just walking the narrow streets of this village and being amazed that I was across the globe, thanks to my parents, and enjoying the amazing Austrian Alps. I was in heaven and singing, quite literally, the 'hills are a live with the sound of music!' Oh, what fun and such freedom I felt among this amazing and beautiful Austrian village. It was truly breathtaking for me... As I write all of this, I realize that I still go back to that time when things get rough in side me and I feel a sense of freedom, happiness, and awe at all that I experienced and enjoyed while there. Thank you, Ma and Pa!

My next movie frame is the old house we used to live in. I pretty much grew up in the house on Palmyra Street. We came to Auburn when I was six and then we moved from that house, so my parents could build their new, architecturally designed and energy efficient home, across town, until my junior year in high school.

Of late, I have been back to this house a thousand times. I've had many dreams of it in various perspectives from when I was really young and where I am now in life. It's been very eerie actually. There have been times those dreams were SO vivid that I was actually reliving those moments, those periods of time and I recall not wanting to awake from my state of dreaming. I remember being happy, carefree, playing outside until it was time to come in for dinner, doing gymnastics on the front lawn, and looking for our dog Charlie when he got out of the house or back yard.

I was remembering where my mom parked her blue Mercedes and where my dad parked his red Mercedes. I remember the days when much of my family would play baseball together in our huge back yard. Or when I got in trouble for riding my bike in the street, after being told I could not, and being sent to my room. I was so mad, not because I couldn't ride my bike, but because my friend Brennan was suppose to be coming over to play with me, and here I was being punished in my room, with the window that faced the patio where the basketball hoop was kept. And I had to watch Brennan shoot baskets without me. What a ding-a-ling.

I loved the times when my brother Dan and I would throw the football or tennis ball in the middle of the street. And always knew he was so proud of me because I threw a ball like a boy and could throw it pretty far for a girl. But when it came to basketball, he was the white man's version of Kareem Abdul Jabar! At least he always thought so (I just chuckled as I wrote that). Unfortunately, I was not made to play basketball with any real significant talent, but that didn't matter to my brother, we just had a good time hanging out, and he showing off all of his shots.

I always called myself the roller skating queen, simply because I thought I was.
I loved to roller skate and during those days, kids were allowed to go anywhere and come home at a specific time. I would roller skate down our hill toward the local recreation park. Actually, I was afraid every time I skated down that hill, simply because I feared I would totally biff it before I got down the bottom of the asphalted road and it would bloody hurt. But fortunately I always made it and was off and skating to my hearts content. Now I was never ashamed about falling or having fallen in front of others simply because I knew I was a good skater and that when I fell, I had just done a stupid mistake or tripped on a small pebble I hadn't seen, etc. So my pride was never hurt. I would just laugh it off. I still do that to this day.
One of the best part was when the gym would be open to skaters and then the REAL skating began. This automatically transported me back to when the music group ABBA was huge. Roller skating was huge during this time and the ultimate fun was when the local gym would have skating hours. This was a time when much of our neighborhood kids would come hang out. We'd rock and roll to ABBA, do some serious speed skating and crash in to each other. We'd be sweating and have to go into the girls' bathroom and dry ourselves off from all the sweat that had poured forth on our bodies. Wow! What memories... "Dancing Queen, only seventeen..."

So, as of late, I don't know why I have been thinking about all of my childhood adventures. I keep wondering if other people my age are having these episodes as well or is it just me? Is it the beginning to my mid-life crisis? I just keep wondering and guessing but have no answers, yet is so fascinating to me. I am thoroughly enjoying this trip and look forward to more sleepless nights and memories to relive.

I've been up since 2am now and am realizing this is not good. Not good at all. I've got two 2 years-old to keep up with (now) today. So, I better hit the hay for a little cat nap. Thankfully, the kiddles are not early risers. Yippee!

Listen... Wake Up... Be There...

2009-02-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

Listen... to the still voices deep within you.

Listen... as the wind himself whispers your name in times of sadness.

Listen... to those whose words are encouraging and meaningful to you.

Listen... while your child chatters a conversation you are not a part of.

Listen... to those whose stories have yet to be heard and desiring to be told.

Wake up... to the passions of others as they share with out words.

Wake up... with the intention of making changes that you thought not possible.

Wake up... and help another feel they are worthy of their existence, despite their current situation.

Wake up... with the heart to use your hands and your words : to make a difference beyond your front door, beyond the shopping mall, beyond the church walls, beyond the shopping cart in front of you - To someone standing next to you, in front of you, next door to you and even behind you. There is always someone who needs to know they are valued, they are important, they are not alone...

Be there... despite being uncomfortable with the task at hand. It's not about being comfortable, it's about going beyond yourself for the sake of another.

Big Boy!

2009-02-18T09:10:00.000-08:00

Nate has had a lot of interest in using the little potty, but not enough to take his pants off and sit. He will only sit with his clothes on.

But just the other day, he finally asked to sit on the big potty. He climbed up and almost in, but I got him settled and he knew he had to make sure his penis was pointing into the toilet, so he checked that and then just sat and smiled.

I encouraged him to try to go and voila! he went and he was soooooo excited. He took some toilet paper and wiped himself and well, he couldn't have been more proud of himself. We finished the process, did a round of high fives and then did the potty dance! I wish I had the camera rolling. It was so cute. And Nattie cheered him on for doing it all by himself.

It's the simple things in life that make one remain grounded.

My life is simple, but feels complicated, but continues to give me bits of sweetness throughout. Aaah. How sweet it is...

My Little Valentines

2009-02-18T01:12:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

My, How My Kiddles Have Grown...

2009-02-18T01:10:00.000-08:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

Aaaah, Nothing Like A New Look To Be Inspired By...

2009-02-18T00:48:00.001-08:00

Well, after many attempts, I finally have a look for my blog that I am happy about. Poor Michael worked hard to get a really cool layout but in the end it didn't do what I wanted it to do...So, I searched far and wide and found, as well as figured out how to create what I wanted...

Hope you will enjoy spending some time here, while I ramble on about life, about people, about my kiddles, and whatever else happens with me and my life as I know it.

I look forward to some thoughts and writings that will come forth via inspiration.

New Year, New Look

2009-02-04T23:42:00.001-08:00

Wow, didn't realize it had been so long since I last wrote on this blog.
So, I have decided since we all get to start over fresh, with the new year and all - that I would freshen things up here with a new look, and update the photos, and any new and interesting stories, tidbits, etc.

So come on back and I'll be thinking of things to write about.

See you soon....

Smilebox.com Scrapbook

2008-09-13T23:08:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Another Adoption!!!

2008-08-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Wow! It continues to be an amazing journey...

July 28th, 2008 Lil' Peanut became an official Big Peanut! Funny that she would have a complete and utter meltdown the morning of her/our special day. But it was very much that way many hours earlier that day.

Literally, the two of us laughed as we were in the midst of the screaming, whining and crying period. Hoping that it would not continue the rest of the day, and sure enough it didn't. She was just as cute and sweet with everyone. Whew! It was a bit of a relief.

I think it was Lil' Peanut's way of reminding us of what we were getting into by making it official. She wanted us to be very sure that we wanted her and all that came with who she is... Of course, we do/did! But dang, what a way to show it and with such gusto! I guess she was just wanting reassurance..?

Oh, well it was a wonderful and busy day for all of us. We had a great lunch with Gramma and Grampa Strong, Auntie Debbie and Drewski, and a special treat of having Uncle Craig, Auntie Kathryn, Cuz'n Sambo and his gal pal.

During lunch, at the burger joint, I was kept busy with Bug. Boo was entertained by Auntie Debbie much of the time, as well as 'playing' the video games, and Cuz'n Drewski hung out with Lil' Peanut as well as keeping an eye on Boo. He's such a great Cuz'n that Drewski - the kiddles always keep him sweating! Lil' Peanut even got Grampa to hang out with her. It was just so cute! She was trying to get her way with him at some point during her time with Grampa. That wasn't surprising to hear.

Off to the courthouse to make Lil' Peanut official... I wish I had not been so exhausted that day. I know I would have enjoyed that day a bit more. Anyways, we were greeted by M's dad, mom, Gramma Maybee, Cuz'n Alea, and his other grandmother (and her husband) out from Mississippi-just for this very occasion. Then the rest of the gang came wandering in to our area of the hallway. Again, both of our OFR program director, Sandy, and OFR program nurse, Joy, came to this big day just as they had for Bug's. And Lil' Peanut's former foster mom was there with her adopted daughter.

We were finally summoned into the courtroom and everyone found a seat. I was so thankful that Bug didn't cry out for me during that whole time. Good job, Bug!

The judge asked the two of us to raise our right hand, and lo and behold Lil' Peanut obeyed his orders, too. It was so cute and funny. Then we had to say, 'I do' when the judge asked us and Lil' Peanut responded with 'I do' also. She was cracking us up.

THEN when the judge basically was asking if we/I was in for the long haul of this creature, I just had to respond with 'Before this mornings events or now?' Laughter was heard and M whispered to me to just answer the question.

So, I said yes and the rest is history.

And then it was off to Scoops for ice cream!! Yummers!

I feel so lucky and blessed that we were given two beautiful, wonderful and good looking kiddles to love and enjoy for the rest of our days.

If we had done the foster/adopt years earlier, I've wondered if we would have been so lucky? I know it's not something that can be answered but I've wondered at times.

I do believe things happen for a reason. Though I can't always know and wont' know what reasons those would be in the midst of living and death.

Doing What I Was Made To Do... Being A Momma!

2008-08-21T22:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, when I wrote this little bio on my blogger page, I was in heaven with all of my kiddles. Or I was just drunk. I'm just not quite sure which it was. Well, since we know I don't drink, it must have been the feeling of heaven.

BUT what was I thinking? HUH?! Heaven on earth with three very different kiddles. And two we keep 24/7 ? What on earth was I thinking????!!!! I have to laugh daily just so I can keep my sanity.

Don't get me wrong... I sure love them with all of me, but I don't always like a certain one sometimes. And that would be of the female gender. Lil' Peanut is the cutest thing ever and it's a D***(darn) good thing she is so cute because I'd have to take her out. Take her out is meant with the idea that deep, deep, deep chuckle way down within. But, damn! she is just too cute! Just my luck...

So, I am not unlike any other parent or mother with toddlers, but it sure feels like you're the only one whose kiddles are just out on another planet or stratosphere - whining and crying, repeating things you say, that you shouldn't say. Oops! Letting the world of grocery stores, big brand named stores and restaurant patrons know you are not the best momma. I have finally begun to turn to the folks in my line or looking at me/us and say, 'arent' you glad you're not me right now?' or 'aren't you glad you are past this stage with your kids?' or 'could you just have a bit more sympathy for me by not looking at me?' Okay, so I don't say that last one but I sure would like to some times. I remember (before kiddles) looking at a poor momma and the screaming kid(s) and just giving her a smile that said - 'I'm sorry that this is happening to you at this time. ' Not many folks are willing to do that I have found. Oh well... Such is life. So I guess I would not be a real and authentic human being or momma or parent if I didn't have these issues come up and those feelings of jumping ship every once in a while. Xanax here I come!

Motherhood is joyous and not so. But there is nothing like having kiddles to bring out the best and the worst in you. I laugh as I write these very words!

And yet, I would not, could not change any of it for the world. Oh, those loving little arms, sweet childish kisses, and that unspeakable and adoring way kiddles come running up to you and call out your name... Momma!!!

Lil' Peanut loves to say, "I love you, Momma, too!"
Bug says, "I lwuoovoo you!"

Damn! It's a good thing they are soooooooooo cute and lovable!

PS: pardon the grammatical errors at 11:35pm tonight. I should be sleeping....

friendship, friendship!

2008-08-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

okay, this was a poem i sent to my friend in portland, oregon. she had written me/us an amazing email and i needed to respond to her. so here it is...

*********

creative soul with perfectionist tendencies

leader of a pack yet also possesses a quiet voice

organized yet unorganized

tipsy and yet not drunk often

laugh-out-loud laughter but can silently laugh at self

big toe curled up but not necessarily light on her feet

big idea thinker and yet constantly figuring out the smaller details

blue dog painting or jack johnson meet and greet back stage

light traveler with a very heavy heart

changes important or don't give a damn

you say this I'll say that and together we'll come to the same conclusion usually

lover of many things, animals, fauna, flora but hater of people who don't give a damn

musical soul who married the soul of a music man

great smile, great teeth, great skin, great boobs - damn, i hate you

love me for me and may not like all of me but yet willing to be my friend and i your friend

thank you, cara!

i sure miss you and love you, friend.

your friendship is my pleasure, always: Kim

**********

I hope this poem expresses how much I appreciate you....

Easter in Auburn, 2008

2008-04-07T20:10:00.000-07:00

N playing with his new easter basket goody, a toy car...Rrrmmm!

M, N (the one that wants to keep moving) and Lil' Peanut with almost all of their cousins! One was at college and the other two are in Oklahoma.

M found his Easter basket and I think Lil' Peanut was still looking for hers.

My mom and dad always said there was only ONE Easter Bunny...
Bunny D and Bunny C - Bunny D looks a bit scary though...

Bunnies S and B. I didn't know that the Easter Bunnies were Asian, too! Whoa, cool!

Well, Easter was a blast at my parents home. It was a perfect day for an egg hunt, letting the kiddles play outside, and enjoying time with family.

It was quite the day. The kiddles did so well considering they didn't get their naps, played hard, ate candy and crashed when we headed home. Actually, M ended snoozing a bit while Lil' Peanut was opening her birthday presents.

We got gifts galore, had the Elmo themed party of the year, ate more candy, and purely enjoyed ourselves.

M and Lil' Peanut got along great since there was so much room to explore and they had other cousins to watch and play with them.

Little Miss Lil' Peanut cracked me up though - she had to be in the middle of the cousins, while they opened their hunted eggs with money contained within. She was so fascinated by the whole event.

Actually, as I recall, all three of the kiddles found their way in the middle to see what was going on, and see how they could get some of what the others were getting.

So many memories and so much fun having kiddles to enjoy these kinds of holidays. I sure miss having my nieces and nephews being so small. But I guess they do have to grow up some time. Boohoo!

But now that we have our own kiddles, the holidays will continue to be fun and a sense of wonderment.

Aaahh, the joys of childhood...

PS: Thank you, Sista Numero Uno, for your Easter pics!

Oh, Lil' Peanut!

2008-03-12T08:46:00.000-07:00

Oh, our Lil' Peanut is doing so great! We had a birthday party for her on Saturday, and thank goodness it was a beautiful day. Our house just isn't conducive to a lot of folk. So we had the great out doors to enjoy as well.

I'm writing because I am overflowing with gratefulness, peace and love. Our Lil' Peanut is doing so well. She seems to have turned an amazing corner. Besides being a bit older (aka: growing up) she seems to have come to an understanding that she is with us forever! That this is her 'home', her 'family', and we are her 'life' now.

Her tantrums have dissipated quite a bit, she fights less with N and has been able to figure out how to calm herself when she is in a fit. All of these things were way over the top before. So, for her to figure this all out in such a short amount a time is simply amazing. All of her workers and therapists are truly amazed and thrilled of her progress.

Just the other day, she put both hands on my face, smiled, giggled, looked me in the eyes and then simply gave me a huge hug! Wow! What love and peace I felt with that. It was as though she was letting me know how she really was feeling and this was the only way she knew how to express it. Oh, my Lil' Peanut!

Don't get me wrong... She still has her moments but they are simply becoming less and less.

Though it will be interesting when M comes to visit on Easter weekend, to see how she does with him. They are quite the pair.

I am seeing a sense of competition with him and she and thus her behavior seems to change a bit when he is around. They both are whiners, they both strike out with hitting regardless if it was an accident or if they simply tripped themselves. And then they both are vying for attention. So... We shall see how this more in control Lil' Peanut and M will do. Should be interesting as always.

Also, Lil' Peanut seems to be much more loving toward N and they are getting along soooo much better. She is able to not scream and cry and whine if he takes her toy, or if she takes his toy she is much more able to be okay with returning it to him. What growth, I tell you!

I am feeling so much better with everything in regards to Lil' Peanut, too. I am less stressed, less anxious, and feel like I can just be the parent I was made to be. Much more easy going, playful, and silly.

Oh, how I love being a parent most days. It seems our lil' family has turned a corner and we are going in the right direction and now we can simply enjoy and anticipate the next exciting curve to come.

I'm Waiting...

2008-03-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Where's Elmo? There he is!!! We are brothers forever!!!
I'm waiting while my homemade dinner of fish sticks are cooking in the oven.

I'm waiting for them to hurry up and get crispy so my kiddles can blow on them because they know they are hot.

I'm waiting for my clothes to dry, while still on my body, so that I don't have to change my clothes again.

I'm waiting for my hubby to get home from teaching so I can let him know I love him with a simple kiss.

I'm waiting for tomorrow to come when Grammy Jo comes to play with me and my kiddles.

I'm waiting for Friday to come so I can 'officially' wish my Lil' Peanut her 2nd birthday, but her first birthday with us!

I'm waiting for the day when I know I will be everything that I am suppose to be to jesus.

I'll be waiting, always in anticipation yet will enjoy the moment when it comes...

Peace within-

Oh, They Are Screaming Bloody Murder...

2008-01-16T20:19:00.000-08:00

It's 8:20pm and both kiddles, N and Lil' Peanut are in their own beds, snuggled warmly from head to toe. But a raucous noise comes from both rooms and resounding off the walls and my ear drums. EESH!

Okay, 'experts' are always good at telling parents just what to do with your child, but I often wonder what those 'experts' actually do in their own homes with their own children? Hmmm...

It would be great to be a fly on one of their walls and to see if they actually walk the walk and talk the talk or are just giving all of us parents lip service.

Or could it be that those very 'experts' are on a high dosage of Xanax or other med so they don't have really have the same kind of problems the rest of us do. Having children who scream and cry or bite or sas back or hit or some other childhood angst.

So, as I'm writing this entry the two adorable kiddles are screaming their lungs out, but as soon as you go into their rooms they are laughing and smiling, as if they hadn't been creating havoc to their Momma's poor ears and heart.

So what to do? Go get them and laugh it all off together? Or let them cry it out? Take Xanax or a tranquilizer and go to bed? Or try to settle one down for sleep and then get the other calmed down as well. Such a dilemma!

What is a parent to do?

I actually have no clue but I'm sure I'll try something in the next few minutes or hours.

Just Thoughts @ 12:31 AM

2008-01-11T00:07:00.000-08:00

I can't sleep because of thoughts rolling around in my mind.

I'm thinking of my kiddles, N and Lil' Peanut.

I am in awe of their presence in my life.

I ask the question, 'How did I deserve these two?'

My heart responds with, 'Silly, it's not that you deserved them, but that you were given them as gifts.'

'Oh, of course, silly me!' I say out loud to myself.

My life thus far has been interesting to say the least. But nothing can compare to being a parent. How amazing a journey it is so far.

I was holding N in my arms, helping him to reach a state of sleep. There in those tender moments I sighed deeply and with a great sense of peace and fulfillment.

His head on my shoulder, his legs dangling close to my knees, his arms wrapped around my arms, and oh the weight of him seemed weightless.

Oh, the sweetness of my life is overflowing with gratefulness.

I was laying in bed, listening to the quiet of our home, knowing I have been given two amazing and beautiful creatures to care for and raise up, as best as I can. Thank, god, that I don't have to do that all on my own.

I prayed for them.

I prayed that they would know how very much their momma and daddy love them and perhaps one day know and love jesus, in their own individual ways.

I prayed that religion would not get to the best of them and that their compassion would always remain present in any situation they find themselves in.

I prayed for another day with them...

Hearing them laugh, seeing them play, playing with them, and hugging them another time.

Oh, how I love and adore my wonderful kiddles!

Thank you, jesus.

Quick! Get The Flip Video, Momma...

2007-12-31T21:56:00.000-08:00

Daddy, N and Lil' Peanut: 12.30.07

I think I was washing dishes or other and I kept hearing N laughing his belly laugh. I went to get the Flip Video to record it but unfortunately it didn't last as long as I had hoped. But I did get N doing his jabbering that he's been doing as of late. He just cracks us up with it.

This is rare that they were not doing the Smack Down Daddy show (jungle jim daddy playtime), instead daddy is running the show. I just loved hearing N's laughter and hearing all the commotion. It just makes life a little more sweeter...

I love how mommas and daddys can play so differently with the same kiddles. I love that their daddy can get different reactions and responses to his and their play and silliness. It too is a sweet sound in this life of ours.

Lil' Peanut cracked me up when she said, 'cheese' to the video camera. She thought I was going to take her picture. It is just so like her to have done that. She is always ready for the camera...

Life is precious and going by so quickly. But thank goodness to photographs and Flip Videos that we can capture a moment in time and remember what was happening at that time and place; and to be able to share it with others. Life is good, as the saying goes.. Indeed it is!

Brothers...

2007-12-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

Okay, so this doesn't have a lot of action to it but I just wanted to show my two cute boys together.

This was taken the morning after picking up M, from his birth dad, for his 12 day stay with our lil' family. All the kiddles were excited to see each other as always.

This time together with the boys just reminded me of all the times I had them together on the ottoman, the couch or the floor just hanging out with one another, as they grew up together.

I hope to keep up the tradition of photographing them together so I'll have a chronicling of their times together.

They truly are brothers no doubt.

I love you my wonderful and precious boys!

Love always,

Your Momma

Brothers and Sister...

2007-12-15T22:19:00.001-08:00

N, M and Lil' Peanut...

I just love this new Flip Video unit! It has allowed me to catch a few videos and easily place them in my blog. I didn't have to be a techie to figure it out. Well, that's not really true. Mh had to install the program and all the things that it required one to do, in order for the Flip Video to function appropriately. I just needed to know how and where to put the USB cable in to the laptop and upload. The latter was the easy part. Thank goodness for a techie/geek of a hubby He's the best!

I love being able to see my kiddles in action. It just brings great joy to me! I hope you also are enjoying them. If not, please feel free to comment on that.

It has been mind boggling to think that we've only had Lil' Peanut for the past two months. That's all. It seems so much longer.

These three keep me/us very busy and when it is only N and Lil' Peanut, the two of them keep me very busy. We run, play, laugh, tickle, dance, attack one another and so much more. Being 40 and having these young kiddles is work. I definitely didn't see myself having this age of kiddles at this ripe old age of 40. I hoped for it in my 20's or 30's. Oh well... I got them now and there's no turning back on my part, ever. What joy!

Motherhood is one of the sweetest parts of my life. Truly.

These Two Little Kiddles...

2007-12-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

Lil' Peanut and M... "He who must obey She!"

The kiddles continue to amaze us, make us laugh out loud, grit our teeth, sizzle on the inside, boast of their many antics and simply make us thrilled to be their Momma and Daddy!

With M's visit this time around, it has been a bit more exciting for all of us. He's been on this biting rampage, particularly with Lil' Peanut. Lil' Peanut seems to retaliate immediately with no thought in giving M the benefit of the doubt. Can't blame her sometimes. But she is quite a little drama queen so there is no getting away with anything with her. N is the smart one of the bunch. He keeps to himself the majority of the time, but also knows when to steal a toy and run with it... When neither are looking! M and Lil' Peanut just seem to egg each other on and definitely have the sibling rivalry, bantering and bickering thing to a 't'. It must mean they are too much a like. And they are... Eek!

As you can see by this short video, M and Lil' Peanut have a complex relationship. He bites and she demands him to go where she wants him. Oh, it's just so funny, until someone gets hurt. And they do...

It will be very interesting as they all grow older together to see how the dynamics change or stay the same. I'm hoping Lil' Peanut will calm her bouts of drama and for M to just let things roll off his back. As far as N goes, I have no doubt he will continue to be a pretty easy going and big teddy bear-like boy. But one never can be completely sure on these things. Regardless, I look forward to all the time I get to have with all of them and continue to grow with them, as they learn, grow and explore their individual worlds as well as our collective world together.

Children are amazing and wonderful creatures to behold!

How very lucky I am to have a few of my very own...

This Momma Turned 40...

2007-12-09T21:40:00.000-08:00

Thai birthday dinner with my wonderful hubby... Yummers!

December 8th is a good date every year, as it is my birthday. But this year was one of those monumental numbers and a marker of how much one has lived thus far... I never ever imagined being 40 one day but here the day has come and gone and I'm just the same, but just one more day older now. I guess in my mind I was just going to skip my 40's and head straight to my 50's or something. Who knows what I was thinking... But I've heard from many a woman that the 40's are truly fabulous. So, I'm taking that to heart and looking forward to what my 40's have in store for me.

As this year moved swiftly, and my time to ring in a new rounded number for the coming year approached, I began to look forward to this newest chapter in my life. Because this past year and a half has been such an amazing whirlwind and blessing all rolled into one, I think my turning 40 was actually welcoming. If that makes any sense... Hmmm...

To have turned 40 and have two kiddles to call our own, all American homeowners in a great neighborhood, have a husband whom I've been married to for 16 years and counting, and who loves me everyday, and to have so many friends and family that love and share in our lives; what's not to love about turning 40?!

My world so far has been filled with friends, family, new and old acquaintances, learning, hopes, dreams, losses, pain, tears, changes, renewal, forgiveness, repentance, blessings, faith, fear, doubt, grief, happiness, joy, children, growth, sweetness, disappointment and adventures. And now my life from here on out will entail more adventures to come with all of the above interspersed throughout I'm sure.

It's good to be 40!

In Bed Thinking...

2007-12-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

Oh, I have had so much to say lately but it only comes when I'm just about to pass out with sleep.

I've been getting this whirlwind of topics to write about and then I apparently close my eyes and I am out completely, before I can even think to grab pad and pen to write it all down.

And then I come to the computer to try and write the next day or other and nothing comes out. Bummer.

I think I've started and restarted writing on various topics, only to get frustrated with not saying what I really wanted to say. And what I had conjured up the nights before I passed out.

So, all is lost when it has come to my writings.

Unfortunately, this is all you get to read this time around.

Hopefully my next entry will be a bit more exciting.

Yeehaw!

Double, Double Trouble With The Twins...

2007-11-16T14:21:00.000-08:00

While talking to Mh for a minute, this is what became of their scrambled eggs, on the carpet!
And the look of "What?! We didn't do it!"

N2 insisted on putting these new rain boots over her Pjs.

N1 was showing me how he could play 'gently' on the piano. Then bang!, bang! after I took the photo.

Our household is full of excitement on a daily basis. Between squeals of great joy and laughter to loud whining and crying, to little tantrums throughout the day. What?! From these little angels? Who would have thought?!

Indeed we are living among the lives of Double And Trouble (they are interchangeable!) And there is no getting around it. Believe me, I have tried and there is simply no where to hide from them.

They are so amazingly cute together when they play nicely and sweetly, but then the screams come from N2 and N1 has a hunk of N2's hair in his very firm grip, with no intentions of letting go. And N2 is screaming bloody murder hoping her heroine, me apparently, will come save her. Meanwhile, she's still screaming and he has gone on to other things. But she is still screaming bloody murder. Hmmm - I knew the 'drama queen' was in her but then a daily stream of excitement I wasn't quite in for. Oh, but what's not to love?!!!?

They have indeed stepped over the threshold of the 'terrible twos'. Toddlerhood itself seems to generate this hunger for power, self indulgence, tantrums and self importance that is a huge learning time for them. But parenthood sometimes seems ill equipped to manage such times as these. What is a parent to do? Love them, pray for sanity, take a chill pill, laugh a lot, and know they will grow out of it sometime down the road of life... We hope...

But despite what does go on in the minds and personalities of a toddler, their spirit is truly precious and a smile maker. Their little brains are working hard at playing, figuring things out, learning cause and effect, finding their voice(s), and hoping some one is taking notice while they extend all of this amazing energy into who they are and will continue to develop to be.

I am always taking notice. I often times just sit in one area of the living room and simply watch each of them play, work, figure out, make decisions, and laugh out loud with pure silliness.
They are intriguing little creatures to behold and one of the many reasons I've always wanted to have my own.

I've always wanted twins. And I was blessed in that area. Now I've never wanted triplets and never thought I could handle it very well if it had happened to me. And when M comes to visit, I need all the help I can get. It takes far too much energy to care for three versus two. And I just don't have that kind of energy to do it alone. Bravo to those who can and do! Not this Momma...

So, Double and Trouble are what keeps me laughing out loud and are reminders of how very blessed I am to get to be their Momma!

I love you, N1 and N2!

Love always, Your Momma!

The Triplets...

2007-11-03T22:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, the triplets are all nestled in their beds asleep and it's just wonderful and peaceful feeling knowing that we have three beautiful kiddles under our roof.

Well, we don't really have triplets but when M comes to visit, which pretty much ends up being every two weeks, then we have a house full.

And since they are so close in age, Lil Peanut 19mos, M 16mos and N 15mos, it basically is the care of triplets.

And when M is not with us it is twinsville!

We just so love our lil' family and all the things we get to do together. We get the play time, the hugs, the laughter, the smiles, the holding, the loving and the silliness that all is in a days' work. And since Mh works from home, he is such a huge help and this allows for the kiddles to have a great and close relationship with him. That's not to say that a parent that works outside of the home, will not have a close relationship with his/their child(ren), it is just much more work and effort to make that kind of time in having such relations.

I am so thankful that I have a husband that is willing, able and loves to be with the kiddles. And doesn't mind changing their diapers, doing laundry, and picking up and putting them to bed. He is such a huge help and I would not want to do this with anyone else in the whole wide world!! We just work so well together and we compliment one another with our varying strengths.

So, when M comes to visit, he ends up taking a day off so that he can help me with all three of them as they are a handful, no doubt.

Twinsville or Tripletville we are happy to just have these amazing creatures in our lives, in our hearts and our home.

We are so very blessed...

No Trick Or Treating This Year...

2007-11-01T20:02:00.000-07:00

Sad to say that I did not even dress the kiddles up in costumes and take them anywhere for some sort of trick or treating.

Actually, Lil' Peanut was the only one who even wanted a costume on, as you can see by the photo above. And that photo was a few weeks ago. She hasn't put it on since. But N would have nothing to do with putting anything on his body nor his head. No way, Jose!

So, I resolved to just letting this year go by as uneventful and save it up for next year. They will each be a bit older, and possibly get the gist of why one dresses up and goes door to door for a bit of candy.

We did make it to the local library for a Halloween event and saw lots of other kids dressed up. And Lil' Peanut kept saying, 'Wow!'. But had no clue why they looked the way they did other than getting a bit excited about the colors, the sparkles and the interesting people.

Besides, I guess they would get excited if I was excited about Halloween, which I am not. I really have never enjoyed dressing up because I would always get way too hot. And I knew that my parents would hold my plastic pumpkin full of candy overnight, in their bedroom so my dad, really, could pick out his favorite pieces and say all was okay.

As a kid, of course, I went trick or treating. Are you kidding? Free loads of candy?! But the dressing up and going door to door just was not my cup of tea. I really didn't like going up to someone and having to say trick or treat. I just thought that part was stupid, but then how else would one get the candy? I hadn't a clue really. I just knew I had to follow the lead of my siblings and I'd get just as much candy as they did, and I was way younger. Now that was cool.
I actually don't recall going trick or treating every year but then I think I just put it all behind me. Knowing how much I didn't like dressing up.

I was telling Mh that I think the last time I actually dressed up was when we were in college and our group of friends held a party of pumpkin carving, which became a tradition for many, many years, even since we've been back in Chico. And that was the only time since that I have put on any sort of costume. Those were fun times.

The pumpkin carving party tradition has slowed down in the past few years unfortunately. I would like to pick it back up, as it was a fun and festive time with friends and sometimes a family member. We'd just get food, carve the pumpkins, toast the seeds, hang out and/or watch a movie or two. It was just a sweet time.

So we'll have to see what the kiddles will be next year for Halloween and if we'll actually decorate our front door area a bit more festive.

Until the next Halloween...

M Is Doing Great!

2007-10-31T21:41:00.000-07:00

Now that we have two kiddles once again, I still yearn a bit for the one kiddle we no longer have in our home. BUT he is still in our lives and that means the world to both us.

I still wonder what he is doing during his days and what is making him laugh and do his little dance that he does. His smile is easy to come by and his excitement about the little things is contagious. I still miss him obviously but it's a healthy mindset.

Because we are able see him for days at a time, we are getting to see how he is doing with having been returned to his birth dad.

As selfish as it seems, it was difficult to see that he was bonding with his dad in the beginning. But we also knew that that was suppose to happen and it was a good thing that the bonding was taking place. As his attachment will get him through much in his life ahead.

Letting go of this creature was the most difficult thing we had ever had to do in our lives, yet we have gained more from this experience than we ever thought.

And we continue to gain so much from the experience as it has evolved to our having a relationship with him and his birth dad.

In having this continued relationship, we have been able to see the strides M has made and the positive development that should be taking place. And it is...

We are so blessed to see M, play, hug, kiss, and share time with him and our two other kiddles, his brother and now new sister.

It has been truly wonderful knowing that Mis doing great.

We still get to be Momma and Daddy to him and that is special to the both us.

He is just so special to me and I can't help but to pine for him from time to time. He will always hold an amazing place in my heart because he was the first child to come into our home and into our hearts.

I love you, M, and hope you will always know that no matter where you are in life!

I am thrilled that Daddy and I get to spent so much time with you, and that you get to play with your brother N and now your new older sister, N.

I hope you also know how thrilled we are that you're doing so well with your birth dad and your extended family, who cares for you while your birth dad works.

Keep smiling and dancing your dance. You will go far in life and change lives in your midst.

I'll love you forever and ever, M!

Love always,

Your Momma

We've Added One More To Our Little Family!

2007-10-24T13:10:00.001-07:00

Okay, so now Lil' Peanut is ours to keep forever and ever!

Now we have our very own spitfire and the third girl grandchild of both our families.

We are so thrilled and feel extremely blessed that both of our kiddles have come by way of unusual circumstances and so quickly.

She is 19mos to N's 15mos but she is definitely smaller than he but feisty. We are in trouble...

I never really thought I'd actually be raising a girl. I just pretty much had hoped for only boys and if a girl were to come along, then she'd better not be a girly girl.

So, actually, I am in luck because our Lil' Peanut is not one so far. Hopefully she'll remain a tomboy like me until long after she has found a man to marry and has kids of her own.

Because I have no idea what to do with a girly girl other than to tell her to 'toughen up' and 'stop that whining, please!'

I know I will deal with it all as our lives unfold. And, who knows, maybe I'll enjoy the girly girl side of hers (secretively living vicariously through her in that manner).

Oh, and she is already a telephone talker. Now we are really in for trouble...

Oh, the joys we will have loving, caring for and enjoying our Lil' Peanut grow up.

Welcome to our family, Lil' Peanut!

I love you so very much!

Your Momma

By the way, Lil' Peanut, this is just some of the family you will be associated with...

Another Child?

2007-10-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

Oh, she does have strawberry blond hair but is not little miss strawberry shortcake. Although she is just a little peanut...

So, another child is a possibility at this time. Thank goodness she doesn't come with these clothes with her. Whew!

Well, we are in the midst of determining if a little spitfire named N will be with us in our family permanently. She is adoptable at this point in time.

She stayed with us for a weekend as a respite case and now is with us once again. We are not sure how long she will be with us but it looks like at least two weeks. Until her social worker can figure out what is next for her. You see, we are only one of five families that are wanting to adopt her.

It seems she fits well into our family so far but there have been a few things that have made me question at the instinct level. I will not reveal it here but will wait to see what happens in the mean time.

She's a cutie patutie, no doubt! She is hands down over little miss strawberry shortcake.

More to come on this situation as it unfolds.

This Munchkin Is A Hoot!

2007-09-27T12:30:00.001-07:00

Oh, to know this creature of mine is to experience great happiness and enjoyment from just watching him!

He is just an amazing, funny, silly and busy, busy little creature.

I just love his laughter, his great smile and that twinkle in his eye that will be haunting Mh and me until he moves out on his own. It could get scary...

If he will be anything like me, then we are in trouble. I was a dare devil, athletic, and adventurous. And my mom's famous line for me was... 'Don't do anything stupid!'.

Eesh! I know I'll be hearing myself say that to him one of these days.

But if he is anything like his daddy, my quiet, unassuming, and geeky husband, then he's going to be better off. Hahaha!

To look at N, one may think he will be a football player or an American Gladiator or Sumo Wrestler. But one can never tell just yet. His personality is big but he could very well be an analyst, a mechanical or electrical engineer or a bike repairman. Who knows...

I look forward to seeing what becomes of N. But if nothing else, I wish for him to enjoy life, respect all people, become what god has created him to be, and remember where he came from. Of course, there is always more I want for him but those are just a few of the things at this very moment in time. It could change tomorrow...

But for now I just get to enjoy every minute with him and am so honored to be his momma.

I love you, N!!

Love always your Momma.

Not As Discombobulated Now...

2007-09-27T11:52:00.001-07:00

Okay, so now I've figured out why I was feeling so discombobulated. Hey, I like that word! It's just fun to type, to say and to see it written.

Just got side tracked for a moment, sorry.

Anyways, my feelings of being discombobulated were due to still grieving and feeling the loss of M. The emptiness of his lack of presence in our home. Though intellectually, I know he is in a good home, bonding well with his birth dad and continuing to develop, yet it has still been hard to not yearn for his place in our family.

But since having gone to two classes on grief and loss, it really helped with being okay to still be in the grieving process, and still feel the sense of loss, and know that I am a fairly emotional healthy person. And since we are able to see M every two weeks, that really helps with the continuity of his presence in our lives. But at the same time, knowing how much attention M needed from me, particularly, and the lack of undivided attention N was able to get from me, before M left, it has has made a world of difference in our household. N is happier and enjoying the attention he deserves yet gets to see his brother every so often. And he seems great with that since MH is there to help out during M's entire visit. Allowing me to not have to be the one M clings to at every moment. I don't really get the phrase 'things happen for a reason' but in this case maybe it fits... Despite the loss of his permanent place in our little family.

I still find myself saying 'the boys' or 'my boys', or 'my two boys'. And I may always do that simply because we had over a year of being a family of four. And since it was my first experience as a momma and being a caretaker of such creatures, it's reasonable to see why it has affected me so much.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have finally gotten out of my funk. And am able to continue on the road of life with one child, who is busy and fun, and still be able to enjoy the love and presence of M every two weeks. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing!". And indeed it is!!!

I am just thrilled to have had this entire experience this past year despite the heartache and loss that became of it. But life goes on and I made it through and there will be other events to enjoy, experience on this journey called life. I was not the only one that made it through, but each and every one of my little family made it through and we are better for it!

I still have days where I tear up thinking of M but my thoughts have become much more encouraging and positive in how I perceive this absolute arraignment we have at our disposal.

Feeling Discombobulated!

2007-09-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a bit of time since my last entry and, as the title states, I am feeling quite discombobulated. I actually wasn't sure I had spelled it correctly, so I went to Webster on line and found I still can spell even at 1:30 in the morning. Eesh! Not sure if that is something to be that proud of... Hmm...

I actually have a lot to share but the things in my head and in my heart are not cooperating and thus nothing is coming out. Dang!

Each day seems to bring a sense of routine for N and me and that's good because he needs that. He fortunately is good about taking his nap(s) during the day. It's the night time sleep he has decided to keep us on our toes about.

Actually, it's been interesting since M left us because N started doing what M used to do during his night time sleep: Waking up to play or playing the 'I don't want you to put me back in the crib even if I was sound asleep just seconds ago.', or whatever else he thinks up. Before M left, N was the great sleeper of the night. So we've decided that N didn't want us to miss M too much so he'd take on this little aspect of his nature. Very cute, N! Very cute!

I am awake because N woke up wanting snuggle time and a bottle but then I couldn't go back to sleep, and since I have so much 'stuff' within, I thought I'd try to journal a bit.

It's not really helping, cause what I want to say isn't what is being put down. This is just the fluff stuff.

I guess I'll call it a night since nothing, of great significance, is coming out of this ol' brain.

My Way Of Grieving You, M.

2007-08-22T23:13:00.001-07:00

Hi, M.

I just wanted to let you know that daddy and I are grieving you terribly.

We struggle each day to maintain some sense of normalcy and yet there is just too much that reminds us of you throughout our home and our memories.

N has been huge in helping us to get through each day, as he is very busy chatting it up, walking, exploring and laughing out loud. All of these things have helped us to focus on him and our caring for him, but it also is a reminder that you are no longer with us.

Just today, our neighbors V and P mentioned that they missed you and that just killed your daddy and me. We both said, under our breath, the same thing. That we were missing you too.

N is sound asleep and we are about to head to bed ourselves. But I had to ask daddy if I could sleep in your room, on the spare bed, because it would help me to feel closer to you and help me in my grieving the loss of you. I hope you understand this unusual request.

This loss has been so great and difficult to find ways that will help ease the pain we feel, that my idea to sleep in your room was necessary for me. I have yet to find something that helps me to feel as close to you. Maybe tomorrow I will come up with something else, but for now sleeping in your room will help me somehow. At least I hope so...

Goodnight my little M and sweet dreams to you my precious Sunshine.

Love always and forever,

Your Momma

I Can't Not Worry, M.

2007-08-22T22:47:00.000-07:00

My dear and sweetest, M.

I can't help but worry about you and wonder how you are fairing.

I hope you know that we miss you dearly and wish we could at least see you again very soon.

I have had many thoughts about how you are doing and they have not been good thoughts. I have worried that you are biting yourself more frequently, worried that your caretaker may be more strict with you and more aggressive with you, and worried that you are forgetting us.

These thoughts have no serious basis but it is the only thing I can think about when I know how sensitive a creature you are. I know it doesn't take much for you to become upset, frantic, fearful and begin biting. So, I just have to wonder that those things that were occurring before you began living apart from us are still happening as the days of our separation continue to widen.

It pains me to think that any of those possibilities could be true. I pray to god that they are not. But I know how daddy and I took care of you and understood, most of the time, your temperament. But not knowing your caretaker or your birth dad very well, it makes me think otherwise, and I know that I shouldn't, but I know that the deepest part of me wants the best for you in every part of your life.

Obviously, the unknown is killing me and I just want to get even a glimpse that you are okay.

I pray that you are.

I hope that you are.

I want to know that you are.

More than okay...

I love you so much and miss you more than my words can express.

I ache just writing this to you.

You are my little creature that I will always love no matter where you go in life.

Love always,

Your Momma

The Days Go By...

2007-08-21T13:48:00.001-07:00

photo by tully rohrer:
The days go by as if any other day. A child to get up, feed, love on, laugh with, chase about, giggle with, hug and kiss at every moment allowed.

Another day goes by like any other day. The husband, the child, the cat, the world outside her door and the constant ache of someone missing from her life, their lives.

The days go by like any other day. The phone rings, the newspaper in the driveway, the cat meowing to be fed, the husband showering, the child watching a children's appropriate show, the momma wondering how her other chick is doing at someone else's home.

Another day goes by, the momma passes by the room that houses the empty crib that once belonged to her other chick. Sadness deepens within, a hunger to scream is just about to surface, the need to suppress these feelings must be done, as the house is quiet with the husband asleep, the child asleep, the cat asleep and the world outside her door asleep.

And yet not another day goes by that she doesn't yearn for that child that is no longer with the rest of her family.

It has only been six days since that child has no longer lived with the family, with the empty crib.

Yet the days go by when it feels like his absence has been hundreds of days passed.

And yet not...

The days continue to go by.

And by...

Without the other child in their lives.

Thank God For You, N!

2007-08-20T10:03:00.001-07:00

You are Momma and Daddy's little dicken...

Oh, N you are such a beautiful, personable and funny little creature to behold!

We are so thankful for your amazing little life and that you were destined to complete daddy's and my life forever.

I hope that with the leaving of M, that you are not feeling as though we are neglecting you.

Believe me, we love you so dearly that you are what has kept us from truly going into a deep depression.

Your little antics, your love to be chased and how you just love to meet all kinds of people are just a few of the things that are helping us to continue on with life. Because of you our lives are full!

In no way would we trade you for the world!

Love always,

Your Momma

Will You Be Lost To Us Forever?

2007-08-19T22:29:00.000-07:00

Will you be lost to us forever?

Oh, I so hope not.

I can't stand it.

The pain and sense of loss is just too great for this grieving soul.

We returned you this past Thursday and it is only Sunday.

It already feels like a lifetime since you've been gone.

I only hope that you are fairing well.

That you are smiling, giggling, being silly and chatting up a storm.

But then the selfish part of me hopes you are not doing all of those things.

I want to be the one that you do those things for, not your birth dad or care taker.

I do hope you are not biting yourself out of frustration, out of pain or out of neglect.

I hope they are at least able to help you feel a sense of connection so that you are fairing okay.

I'm so sorry that I am being so selfish in my thinking.

I know that I should be wishing you a time of getting to know one another better, developing a deeper bond with one another, and finding a sense of comfort with one another.

But then I don't really want those things for your life where you are currently.

I am listening to N cry himself to sleep because he is tired and not wanting to let sleep take over. It simply reminds me of you and how you struggled with that issue while with us.

Before you left, N really didn't have that issue but for whatever reason it has occurred two nights in a row since you've been gone.

Is this telling of your absence?

I want to say yes, but really have no clue.

I just really wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you, yearning for you, aching for you and wanting to see your beautiful face and amazing spirit, as well as, hold you in my arms forever.

Please know these are what I desire at this very moment.

I love you so my precious and wonderful, M.

Love always,

Your Momma

PS: The three of us went to the park today. We went underneath the ship, and in doing so N quickly went up to a little creature that looked pretty much like you! Daddy and I were shocked at how much this little one looked so much like you that we could see why N immediately went up to this little one. It broke our hearts knowing that N has been missing you, without his ability to verbalize it to us.

I just had to let you know so that you also knew how much N has been missing you too.

So Numb...

2007-08-17T22:57:00.001-07:00

I'm so numb and feeling like I'm unable to do anything at all.

I'm praying and thinking about M and hoping he is doing well, and as time goes by that he will do better and better with his new life.

I ache for him to be with us right now, right here, in our home, and in our arms.

I love and miss you, M.

Love always,

Your Momma.

The Night Before The Court Date...

2007-08-14T23:38:00.001-07:00

We know we are pretty lucky folk. We've both got great, supportive families. We have fantastic friends who are actually just as much family as our own family members, and then we have a whole email network of friends and family who have shared some amazing things.

So, despite the dread of tomorrow's court date, the reunification of M back to his birth dad, we are hanging in there. As to be expected...

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no getting out of one's head nor emotions when we encounter events in our lives that are difficult to digest. But we all must continue to function somehow despite the efforts to stave off the pain for as long as one can.

It's late and I should be asleep, but sleep is not having its way so far. Tomorrow's court date is a heavy burden on our souls, and more than that it is the process of having to pack up M with all of his earthly belongings. And somehow not dwell on the fact that M's room will no longer be his room in any permanent manner. And when we go to bed at night we will no longer have M to look in on at night, or wake to his crying, or pick him up from his crib in the mornings, seeing his smiling and dimpled cheeks looking back at us. We will only have silence.

When we took the Options for Recovery classes, they did say that losing a foster child is like a death in the family. And it certainly feels that way. And at that a slow one, such has been our case.

And when I reread my blog entries, I do see the similarities of some one who is waiting for death to come and take over.

My apparent use of finality is throughout these entries, as well as yearning for someone that will no longer be a part of our lives physically. It all has become talk of the spiritual and emotional ride that follows when death becomes someone we love dearly.

I will admit there is a thin line of hope but it seems to fade in and out throughout the day. And in that hope, I am not really sure what I specifically am hoping for. Perhaps a total miracle in dad having a change of heart in keeping M, or the judge giving birth dad a thirty day instead of a six month period where dad is allowed to return M if not working out for him. Or if something wrong occurs while M is in his care. Or if birth dad will just let us have 90 percent of the time and he can just visit him on weekends. Who the hell knows what I am really hoping...

It is all so confusing and too much to bear...

Tomorrow night will be our last night as a family of four. Oh, my tears will just flow endlessly and with great pain attached.

Oh, help me...

Aaaaawwwwhhhgggg!

Treasures to Go...

2007-08-10T02:14:00.000-07:00

As the final days approach us, there is the task of having to gather, collect and pack up M's things since he has been with us.

In just this year alone, he has accumulated much for a little one. Simply because there are so many who love him and were generous in their giving.

I have sort of started this process already while M was on visitation with his birth dad. But it was hard to feel organized, difficult to concentrate on what to pack for him, and simply too hard to be motivated, when all I wanted to do was to claim it all for ourselves, M especially.

There will be many treasures to take with him. And hopefully down the road he will still have some of those items, if birth dad decides not to store them away or throw them out, because they were items before he had M.

I still have yet to complete a few of those treasures like his photo album, putting his name on the wooden step stool, and gathering photos for a quick overview of those who loved and cared for him while in our care.

Who knows, dad may not let him keep that either. But one never knows.

I'm not exactly sure why I am so cynical about his birth dad and his keeping M's things. I guess
I'm thinking that with his birth dad's life before, he would rather keep it simple to the life they will soon have together. Instead of having all of those reminders of our care taking, etc.

But in reality I have no clue what birth dad is thinking... Except that he is ready to take M back.

Since there is little time left, I/we need to get M's things together and figure out what goes and what stays.

There is much to do...

And so little time left...

Icky poo-poo!!

Oh, shit!

Is what I really mean.

Tears are Falling... by kim

2007-08-10T00:24:00.000-07:00

Tears are falling.

The ache oh so deep.

Yet wouldn't change a thing.

A child's hold is tight and wanting.

Momma's arms not letting go.

It was never meant to be forever.

Though all thought it possible.

Passing back and forth.

As if just a simple commodity.

The one passing doesn't want to let go.

The one receiving taking out of honor.

From birth til now.

Deep down they knew it could happen.

As time went by they knew it would happen.

And soon it will happen.

The passing will be no more.

The receiving will be forever.

Tears will continue to fall.

The ache in time will lessen.

But for now it is raw.

So raw it is indescribable.

Tears are falling.

Even as she writes.

The ache is pressing.

The loss will be great.

In words it's not enough.

Not enough to tell the whole story.

The experience unimaginable.

Yet magical.

The little creature oh so precious.

And yet not theirs.

Tears are falling.

The ache...

The ache...

The pain...

The unfathomable sense of loss...

Is indescribable.

In time...

Jesus will clarify.

Why...

They ARE Good Looking Boys!!!

2007-08-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

I love the fact that all kinds of folks tell us that our boys are so good looking. And they are!
If I had had them myself, then I don't think I'd feel confident enough to boast about their looks, but since I did not create either one of them, I feel I can say thank you without any hesitation at all. It's funny that way...

I know Mh and I would have made beautiful kiddles simply because we are a biracial couple and the mix of our two races, most always make amazingly cute and beautiful babies. But in a way, to know we didn't create these two wonderful creatures just makes it even more special that others compliment on them.

So, I am relishing in the compliments of our oh so cute, beautiful and wonderful boys. AND truly they are...

To my two boys, I love you both so very, very, very much.

Your Momma.

I Know Some May Be Wondering...

2007-08-09T14:48:00.001-07:00

I know some of those I've spoken to about our situation and or have read this blog have wondered to some degree or another whether I am still a professing 'Christian'.

Much of my language doesn't resonate with what a christian would or should be using. I have not been using the christendom jargon of praising god, using scripture, using the phrase: 'with god all things are possible'.

Right now, I have been feeling selfish with my emotional and human side of me. My head knows all of the christian slang, the christian ways to make me sound like I'm truly following and obeying god in his path for me, and allowing others to see that I truly am a fervent christian in every sense of the word. But I also feel I need to be myself, and myself right now is in a very sucky place, I know I don't need to apologize to jesus for that. He is very aware of my/our situation and our hearts, and I believe allows us to be in this kind of place for whatever time is needed. But in the end, he knows the praises I have and continue to give him for our situation, and know that somehow, without truly understanding, that it was all for a spiritual reason that we have gone through what we are currently in the midst of.

That's the beauty of the jesus I know. It's a personal relationship. In the end, it's between me and him and those pearly gates that supposedly are being manned by St. Peter.

I used to be like other christians in my community who used specific phrases, was 'encouraging' to others by letting them know things that they already knew, and did it all out of 'love' for them because that's what jesus would have done. So, now I am just myself: open, honest, and an ungodly, heathen christian deep within, yet know that my relationship with jesus is what it should and be and the two of us are doing fine.

Love and Shalom.

Happy Food...

2007-08-07T20:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it's probably no surprise to some folks that I am an emotional eater. One can look at me and probably see that right off the bat. Since I've known this very fact for quite some time, I've decided to just let it be that and move on with my life. I could go to therapy or a hypnotist or a christian counselor or a shaman and I probably still would end up being an emotional eater and kick myself for being this way. But after 39 years of living to some degree or another, I've decided that life is just tooooo short to worry about such things. Yes, I could possibly live longer if I worked on this issue, but by how many more years? Who knows and If I died tomorrow, I know I will have lived a very good life not feel regretful of the big stuff in life.

So, as I write this, Mh is out to get us real, thick milk shakes from the famous drive-in. It was his idea but it didn't take much to convince me to go along with this fantastic idea. It's actually been ages since we've had shakes from there. And since this was the day we dropped off M to his birth dad for his two night visitation. I bawled my head off when I got back in the car, knowing that M, no way in hell, wanted to go with his birth dad.

Instantly I wanted to eat a horse just to help myself not feel the enormous pain of passing M off to his dad and knowing that this is next to the last week that we get to keep him. Life is just shitty, icky right now.

I am the first to know that this shake is only a temporary bandage to my/our pain but never-the-less it is a bandage that is helping psychologically ease the current pain.

So, instead of taking a 'happy pill' as a friend of ours call Xanax, we are having happy food. Mmm Mmm good!

I'm not sure which is technically better for the body, the soul, the spirit or the mind, but both seem to do what they are meant to do in those times of need. And thank god for that!

I know the two of us will get through all of this in time, but for now we are eating our happy food, letting loose our tear ducts and grasping at a sense of hope that the pain will ease in time, and our lives will once again not ache as it does at this time.

Here's to 'Happy Food'!

I'm All Over The Board...

2007-07-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

I can't seem to get my emotions in order.

One minute I feel like hitting something and then the next I feel like I've resolved the reasons for M being returned to his birth dad, and that all is fine. And then I all I want to do is scream out to god-knows-what and flip the bird to whomever is responsible for our situation. And then I'm feeling okay, really and know all is as planned, since the beginning. And then the next, I'm just hopeless. And then elated for M to have his 'real' and biological family for the rest of his life. And then...

Well I'm sure this will go on for the next few months and come in waves of great height and depth.

But at least I know what it is all stemming from. Unlike trying to figure out if it's that time-of the-month or simply hormonal or premenopausal, as my gynecologist has stated I am in the beginnings of this great change, of a woman's life.

Oh well, such is this life as I know it, at 39 years!

Those Little Toes...

2007-07-30T16:07:00.001-07:00

Those little toes have given me many hours of pleasure from the moment I brought each of the boys home, from the hospital, to now as they become stronger and more assured in their walking abilities.

N has one of my traits amazingly. Mh pointed this out to me when N was much younger. N points his big toe and curls the rest in, leaving the big toe sticking straight up. Just as I do. It's a crack up. I have a photo of me when I was around 3-5 years-old, in the bathtub, with my feet doing that very thing. It amazes me to this day the things that we do without realizing it.

Baby toes are just deliciously wonderful and fun to watch.

I will most definitely miss M's toes when he is gone...

It's fun knowing that N's and my toe traits are not genetic. So, there must be many others who do that very thing as well. I just wonder how many there are of us out there?

M's big toe is very much like our friend, C's toes. His big toe curls upward, like a ski slope. You just want to straighten it out every time you see it. At least I did when I saw our friend C's toes for the first time! But now I have come to appreciate its unique characteristic and it is befitting of our little M!

Thank you, my little boys for allowing your Momma to play with, kiss on and tickle and observe your precious little toes.

What joy you have given me by allowing me this simple little joy.

Love,

Your Momma

It's A Rhetorical Question, Dummy!

2007-07-30T15:37:00.000-07:00

I know that we are not the only couple in the universe who has had to give up a foster child, that has been in our care for a great amount of time.

And I know that we won't be the last.

But sometimes I wish people would be more sensitive and more caring in their words and listening skills, and even empathetic to OUR situation, than telling me that others have gone before us.

It does not help... REALLY!

I often times think I am a good judge of character in people and then something like this happens and I wonder why I had not picked up on that before now?

So, I have had to be discerning to whom and how I share my life situations. You would think that the first five times it happened to me that I would have opened my eyes to this pet peeve and learned my lesson. Hmoompf! Well, dummy me still didn't get it until after the seventh or tenth times.

I remember as a kid this very thing would happen to me and then I always, always regretted sharing my heart. But I guess I kept thinking different people would respond differently. Well, they do and not always in the way one would hope.

I guess I just am not one of those who needs to know that there are others out there who have gone through the same thing and that I just need to get over myself and the situation and get on with life. Stop complaining... But I wasn't complaining. I was asked how I was doing and I responded. But then you find that's not what the person really wanted to know. It was a rhetorical question, dummy!

I guess I still haven't learned, even as an adult. Eeesh!

I want to think that people mean well when they have decided to respond to you, but far too often I don't think people are thinking at all...

Where Has My House Gone?

2007-07-18T20:48:00.000-07:00

Yikes! Well, I obviously did not include a photo of the condition of our home. Yes, it is a home and it is comfortable except for the messes that are strewn about in every direction.

I have become lazy with cleaning my house. Why wouldn't I? I'd rather be playing, taking care of, rocking, strolling, laughing with my kids than having to clean the stinky bathroom, pick up the piles in each room and be orderly about my home life. Okay, that is not entirely true but I seem to have lost the ambition to keep a clean house now that I have the excuse of kiddles. And it seems to work but I realize it's got to change at some point. I mean the messy house syndrome will not hold up when they are away at college and I have nothing to do but time on my hands...

So I have resolved to picking up my life and my house so it is much less cluttered and more livable and less stress-filled. But darn life just seems to get in the way and it all gets away from me before I realize I had those extra moments to pick up that pile or those piles or that table or that bedroom. It kind of is sounding like a New Year Resolution. It probably was once upon a time, but now it's just a constant reminder of what I have no desire to do in the already short hours of a day.

Oh, well!

Life goes on and as long as my husband and kids are getting the attention they deserve and need from me, then my job is done. So, the house will have to wait when those inspirational moments to clean come crashing down on me.

Oh, the job of a momma. Cleaning. So not fun. Luckily I have a husband that is wonderful and a huge helper but also lets this area be an oversight and not a point of contention.

I sure love you, my hunna!

Thank you for putting up with me every single day...

How Could Anyone...

2007-07-17T22:28:00.001-07:00

How could anyone not want to have this adorable creature in their lives for good? His Auntie D is just enamored with him and has been since the first time she saw him, just as we all were. Especially, since M was the first of the two boys to enter into our home and hearts.

M melts my heart daily. Just as N does too.

N is going to terribly miss and have a sense of loss without M. And M is going to feel a great sense of loss without N and his momma and daddy for the past year. But time will tell how long it will take before M no longer remembers us or his life before returning to his birth dad.

It breaks my heart to think that that could and may happen but that is human nature and the process of time. I know none of us will EVER forget M. I will have him close to my heart through a necklace, his photos and the memories of his little being.

M, I hope you will some day realize or know how very much we loved you and cared for you while you were a part of our lives. Our hearts will always carry your spirit in and through us as we continue to live out our lives.

M, I can't bear the thought of losing you... The pain is just too much for your momma to take and have to process.

I LOVE YOU, M!!!!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LET YOU GO AWAY...

I will cry you a river until there no longer are tears to shed.

I will smile every time the winds blows, just thinking of your excitement.

I will giggle when I hear your laughter in the silent moments.

I will cry myself to sleep wanting to hold you.

I will sigh at the thought of your name.

I will never stop loving you for as long as I live.

I will never forget who you were from day three until the day you are returned to your birth dad.

I will always hope to know you as you grow and become who god has created you to be.

I will always pray that you will one day want to look for us and know us once again.

I will never let go of your spirit, as it has and will continue to lift me up from what ever I may struggle with that day or that moment.

I will always, always, always love you more than I deserved to.

I will never stop wanting to be your momma. Never.

I will never forget you. Ever.

I love you, my sweet and precious M.

Love always and forever,
Your momma!

Just Turned One!

2007-07-17T14:16:00.001-07:00

Amongst all the emotional baggage we are carrying around at this time, the idea of having to return M to his birth dad, the August 15 court date of reunification, the little time left with M, there was a wonderful celebration. N turned One Year Old yesterday.

We had a casual celebration but never-the-less celebrated N's milestone. We were going to BBQ with his Uncle Donny and enjoy being at home but our house was just such a mess, unfortunately, that it would take more time to straighten it and clean than just go out for dinner. We had Chili's. We all enjoyed ourselves and they sang to N.

I figured this casual dinner was okay for our one-year-old since we would be having a much larger party for him this coming Saturday. It's a two-fold party, really. One to celebrate his first birthday, and secondly to celebrate his adoption into our little family. And, oh, what fun it will be to have our many friends, family and neighbors celebrating this little creature of ours.

In the past, I would have been making this party a huge event, simply because I was controlling, creative and over zealous in whatever I did. So, I have learned that I need only to provide a place, food and invite the folks who will be making up the gathering. Decorations, and the like are trivial and unnecessary in the end. So, this party will be simple in its party theme but extravagant in its celebratory nature. I'm proud of myself for making this change in my life. I know M is also glad. He doesn't have to bear the brunt of my controlling nature and the chaos that comes with putting a large scaled (more than 50 folks) party together.

We are on the road to growing our little family. We have begun with one of our own and look forward to more, hopefully.

This brings up the ache of not being able to keep M in our lives forever. He is so perfect for us, his brother N, and the rest of our friends, family and neighbors who love him dearly. It is undeniably the hardest thing I will have ever had to do so far in my life. And I do not look forward to the final hours and minutes that we will have with him, as our little M.

The birth dad shared that we would be able to keep in touch with him through the years, and even have him over at our home for sleep overs. But as time goes on, and depending the frequency of the visits, he may begin to forget who we are. As well as, it will be very hard for me to be his 'auntie' or something like that when I have been his 'momma' since day three of his life. I know there will be times/moments when I just want to scream out that I AM YOUR MOMMA!!! And YOU are MY SON!!!

But will anyone hear me? Especially little M...?

Sucks To Be Us Right Now!!!

2007-07-10T23:28:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep.

Mh and I have been crying our eyes out about the time we have left with M. And the sadness that we are laden with of his future absence in our lives. We struggle with letting go and knowing that this is what we originally signed up for. To provide a loving and safe home for a child in need, until his/her birth parents could care for them once again. It all sounds so romantic and a good deed until you live the reality of it's impact on one's life. Yes, we have done a job well done, M has grown, so far, into a beautiful and wonderful little boy who got a great start in life. Hooray for us. But that is just the doing part. It's not the feeling and emotional and day-to-day stuff that seems to count for those in higher roles of authority. Sure, they thank you for your services and for your deed well done, but they can never return the favor of allowing you to keep that child that you have cared for, for whatever amount of time, and have come to love as if he/she were your very own - personally birthed or not.

But reason seems to stand for a system that is in great need of our kind of service, but after our experience, I would not rush to tell others to go and do because when shared about it, it all sounds kind of wonderful, out-reaching and glorified. But as we have experienced, it has become one of the most difficult things we have ever done in our lives. We would not change it, per se, but I believe the reality needs to be spoken and emphasized so others will not be so foolish or naive, as to think the system in place is all wonderful. Nor the experience is not heart-wrenching.

It's like a new marriage in a way. Both think starting a new life will be all the wonderful things both have dreamed about for years and then reality rears its ugly head and all the emotional and heart-rendering things take place and it hurts like hell. Or worse, if that's possible.

But to say all this we would not have changed this experience for anything. Simply because we were allowed to care, love and become deeply attached to an amazing and truly wonderful little boy, whose spirit has just enriched our lives and spoken to both our souls very, very deeply.

These tears we have shed are not done and they will not be done for a long time. Especially for me. I have felt so deeply that even I have no words for the kind of experience I was given for this time and this beautiful little creature.

WE LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH, M. We cannot express any more how you have affected our lives and our souls.

Just Little More Than A Month More...With You!

2007-07-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

Today is a difficult day for me. I have yet to cry until I started writing this piece. My tears are streaming down my face and I don't know if I will be able to stop them for the rest of the day.

I feel so sad as I was faced with the realization that Mh and I have only a little more than a month left with M. While I was holding M to put him down for a nap, I just wanted to freeze that moment, as I was rocking him in the chair. I wanted him to know and keep deep the knowledge of how much Mh and I have loved him, as well as all of our families and friends. And how he will always be loved by all of us no matter where he ends up in life.

I asked Mh if I could have a jewelery piece that would contain M's birthstone so that I could keep him close to my heart forever. It will also be a conversational piece down the road should we not have any other children or others with different birthdays than of Ms.

I haven't even had time to put more than four pages of his photo album, and I wanted to be sure it was done should he have to leave us. But I also realized that there is a part of me that procrastinated on his book because I was hoping that the reality would not be just that... A reality.

I was able to contain my emotions for the most part earlier in M's life but now just the mention of his situation just makes the tears surface so quickly. It is becoming very difficult to maintain my composure more and more as the time draws near.

My heart aches daily knowing that I will not longer be the 'momma' of him nor will we be able to call him our son, or will he be a part of our 'little family'. I know that there have been many, many men and women who have fostered children for years and have had to lose one or two or more throughout their experience, but it's not until you go through this very thing that you are able to really comprehend the magnitude of such an experience.

Unfortunately, the foster system really is set up to break the hearts of foster parents. We (foster parents) are only needed for a time and then the courts make their decision based on a complex system and then the foster parents are no longer needed of their services, their homes, their hearts, their care taking. It leaves huge holes of darkness and pain for those of us who get too close.

Would we do it again? We have had to question that and at this time not really sure. Perhaps the answer at this moment would be no. But time will tell and we will have to re-evaluate our reasons and purpose for committing to the fostering system and the children subjected to it's imperfect, struggling yet needed system.

I need to stop.

The pain is too much right now...

Adoption Finalization!

2007-07-02T03:07:00.000-07:00

Wow, didn't realize it had been quite awhile since I last blogged. But life has certainly gotten busier, especially as they both are up on their two little feet. Not quite walking independently yet but certainly on the cusp.

I am awake at this crazy hour of 3am because I cannot sleep. I will be paying for this dearly tomorrow but I had to get my thoughts out before I just continued to toss and turn. You see, tomorrow is N's adoption court finalization. This means that after almost a year he will officially be our son!!!! Wow! That is just mind blowing, especially at 3am in the morning.

We've got a small but important group of friends and family who will be there for this all-important date. Michael and I have been talking to N about this day and yet he has no idea. But it will be wonderful to be able to share with him when the day comes, when he will truly understand his unique situation. For he and I have both been so completely blessed to be adopted.

I hope he will be as excited as I was about being adopted. I remember bringing my "K" book to school, in the first grade, and sharing with them of my family situation. I remember no one seemed to really be as excited as I was and that seemed strange to me. Actually, I recall being rather disappointed. I thought how could they not think this was so cool? But then we did live in a town that was mostly white and 'colored' folk were most certainly different and interesting, to say the least...

But I also know we all experience life in our own ways and so I need to remind myself about how N may feel about his situation. With what seems to be his good nature and great disposition, I hope it will be a positive thing for him. I so look forward to our conversation one of these days.

I have so much more to say about this but the feelings are so jumbled inside that I'm just not sure how to say it. But for now this is good and satisfied my need to get up at this horrible hour.

My next blog will be of the bittersweet nature and I'm sure I will cry a river while writing it.

Stay tuned!

Are they twins?

2007-04-03T13:35:00.000-07:00

It's interesting how we as humans are so fascinated by twins and more. Until we had these two boys, I was always asking others if their children were twins and how did they get along, etc.
I think it's funny that I still did this even though I had worked and roomed with identical twins in college. Multiples are definitely a fascinating phenomenon to the human psyche.

I had always wanted twins, thinking that it would be the fastest way to have the twelve kiddles I always wanted. I knew I never wanted triplets or quads because my poor under 5 foot body frame would never be able to handle it. As it is, I never had to bore any child through this body. And I still got twin-like kiddles. Now that's a miracle!!

It never fails when we go out with the boys, whether as a little family of four or just me and the boys, the question always gets asked, 'Are they twins?'. Most folks get the look of deer in headlights when we say they are just shy of a month apart. Others are still not sure if they heard correct and ask for correction, and others go on as if it were a normal situation. With the latter folks, we just chuckle inside and move right along.

I think the greatest thing about having others ask us about the twinship of the boys is that I (most often) get to hear some amazing stories of those who were adopted or gave up their own child or had them taken away from them. Otherwise I would never had met these folks and learned something new about my greater world. Also, it definitely has been a conversation opener of my being an adoptee.

So, if M no longer is with us, we will no longer have the twins question being asked and that will just add another dimension to our loss of him in our lives.

But I know the final answer has yet to be answered and so I (we) continue to enjoy, spoil and embrace our time and lives with M.

So my time with twins may possibly be short lived but I must say, I will have enjoyed it immensely while it have lasted.

I can't imagine anything else but them...

2007-04-01T21:50:00.000-07:00

I Forgot...

2007-04-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

Oh ya, I forgot that they both will do anything to have you not put them in their car seat. That could include screaming, crying, arching the ol' back, grabbing a hold of your neck with their nails embedded, as well as holding on to anything that will allow them more time of what they figure is freedom. And sometimes I can't blame them, especially come summer when it is bloody hot in the van. But otherwise, they are riding in shear comfort, an Eddie Bauer brand car seat. What's not to like??!! Ha!

Let's see - the other things that occur in our household is with N not sleeping at night because he is too busy working on his rolling over stuff. He has decided it's play time or exercise time, which ever way he wants to look at it. We just crack up and wonder what he will do next. It's all a new thing for him so he is just trying to figure it all out in his timing, of course.

This Wednesday will be a very hard day for Michael and me. Neither of us are looking forward to it. But it was eventually coming and we knew it. It just sucks that reality has to hit. We are having to bring M to visitation and leave him there for the full day, 9am-4pm. This will be the first time we've been away from him for that long a time during visitation. Up until now he had had only a two hour visit with his birth dad. Actually, it's never easy to leave him even for the two hour visit. Basically because we just wish he could be ours forever. But we signed up for this and new what the game plan was and were willing to play along. But, again, reality sets in and BAM! it hits like a mac truck. Even when we know it's coming, it still seems to side swipe us emotionally. It just totally sucks!!!!!

So when I hear M cry, whine or scream, I just enjoy it for what it is because I know I may not be hearing it after August 15th. I just want to cry a river...

Getting the Boys

2007-03-31T09:49:00.000-07:00

I just love getting each of the boys from their cribs. They usually have a huge smile, a few giggles and for M, he has outstretched arms for me to pick him up. N doesn't do that yet but then he is pretty independent and only needs a hug every so often.

The usual squawks, screams, squirming to get going and tantrum-like behavior always comes in the way of changing their diapers and especially changing their clothes. It cracks me up that this is a daily routine of doing these tasks but for them it's still as if it's the first time. And they just can't stand it. They want to be anywhere but getting changed. So, the drama plays out and we all survive... Especially the boys.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, maybe it would be nice if they just were pleasant during those times too but then I wouldn't have anything to write about.

The journey goes on...

I'm Back To Blogging... As a new Momma!

2007-03-30T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I apparently couldn't stay away from blogging that long. I know I have so much in this little brain of mine that just has to come out.

But now I have a greater and more exciting reason to be blogging... I became a Momma!

So this new blog will be writings and musings about being a mom, a somewhat-adjusted human being (at least in my mind-ha!ha!), and what my big, big world has in store for me and my family.

Be patient, as I will not be able to blog as often as I'd like. My boys are basically twins (currently 9 & 8 months respectively) when it comes to caring for them. So... My time is filled to the max but I'm hoping to get some of the craziness down some how.

Hope you'll return time and time again and take in what's said, with a bit of humor, on the side.