My Way Of Grieving You, M.

Hi, M.

I just wanted to let you know that daddy and I are grieving you terribly.

We struggle each day to maintain some sense of normalcy and yet there is just too much that reminds us of you throughout our home and our memories.

N has been huge in helping us to get through each day, as he is very busy chatting it up, walking, exploring and laughing out loud. All of these things have helped us to focus on him and our caring for him, but it also is a reminder that you are no longer with us.

Just today, our neighbors V and P mentioned that they missed you and that just killed your daddy and me. We both said, under our breath, the same thing. That we were missing you too.

N is sound asleep and we are about to head to bed ourselves. But I had to ask daddy if I could sleep in your room, on the spare bed, because it would help me to feel closer to you and help me in my grieving the loss of you. I hope you understand this unusual request.

This loss has been so great and difficult to find ways that will help ease the pain we feel, that my idea to sleep in your room was necessary for me. I have yet to find something that helps me to feel as close to you. Maybe tomorrow I will come up with something else, but for now sleeping in your room will help me somehow. At least I hope so...

Goodnight my little M and sweet dreams to you my precious Sunshine.

Love always and forever,

Your Momma

I Can't Not Worry, M.

My dear and sweetest, M.

I can't help but worry about you and wonder how you are fairing.

I hope you know that we miss you dearly and wish we could at least see you again very soon.

I have had many thoughts about how you are doing and they have not been good thoughts. I have worried that you are biting yourself more frequently, worried that your caretaker may be more strict with you and more aggressive with you, and worried that you are forgetting us.

These thoughts have no serious basis but it is the only thing I can think about when I know how sensitive a creature you are. I know it doesn't take much for you to become upset, frantic, fearful and begin biting. So, I just have to wonder that those things that were occurring before you began living apart from us are still happening as the days of our separation continue to widen.

It pains me to think that any of those possibilities could be true. I pray to god that they are not. But I know how daddy and I took care of you and understood, most of the time, your temperament. But not knowing your caretaker or your birth dad very well, it makes me think otherwise, and I know that I shouldn't, but I know that the deepest part of me wants the best for you in every part of your life.

Obviously, the unknown is killing me and I just want to get even a glimpse that you are okay.

I pray that you are.

I hope that you are.

I want to know that you are.

More than okay...

I love you so much and miss you more than my words can express.

I ache just writing this to you.

You are my little creature that I will always love no matter where you go in life.

Love always,

Your Momma

The Days Go By...

photo by tully rohrer:
The days go by as if any other day. A child to get up, feed, love on, laugh with, chase about, giggle with, hug and kiss at every moment allowed.

Another day goes by like any other day. The husband, the child, the cat, the world outside her door and the constant ache of someone missing from her life, their lives.

The days go by like any other day. The phone rings, the newspaper in the driveway, the cat meowing to be fed, the husband showering, the child watching a children's appropriate show, the momma wondering how her other chick is doing at someone else's home.

Another day goes by, the momma passes by the room that houses the empty crib that once belonged to her other chick. Sadness deepens within, a hunger to scream is just about to surface, the need to suppress these feelings must be done, as the house is quiet with the husband asleep, the child asleep, the cat asleep and the world outside her door asleep.

And yet not another day goes by that she doesn't yearn for that child that is no longer with the rest of her family.

It has only been six days since that child has no longer lived with the family, with the empty crib.

Yet the days go by when it feels like his absence has been hundreds of days passed.

And yet not...

The days continue to go by.

And by...

Without the other child in their lives.

Thank God For You, N!

You are Momma and Daddy's little dicken...

Oh, N you are such a beautiful, personable and funny little creature to behold!

We are so thankful for your amazing little life and that you were destined to complete daddy's and my life forever.

I hope that with the leaving of M, that you are not feeling as though we are neglecting you.

Believe me, we love you so dearly that you are what has kept us from truly going into a deep depression.

Your little antics, your love to be chased and how you just love to meet all kinds of people are just a few of the things that are helping us to continue on with life. Because of you our lives are full!

In no way would we trade you for the world!

Love always,

Your Momma

Will You Be Lost To Us Forever?

Will you be lost to us forever?

Oh, I so hope not.

I can't stand it.

The pain and sense of loss is just too great for this grieving soul.

We returned you this past Thursday and it is only Sunday.

It already feels like a lifetime since you've been gone.

I only hope that you are fairing well.

That you are smiling, giggling, being silly and chatting up a storm.

But then the selfish part of me hopes you are not doing all of those things.

I want to be the one that you do those things for, not your birth dad or care taker.

I do hope you are not biting yourself out of frustration, out of pain or out of neglect.

I hope they are at least able to help you feel a sense of connection so that you are fairing okay.

I'm so sorry that I am being so selfish in my thinking.

I know that I should be wishing you a time of getting to know one another better, developing a deeper bond with one another, and finding a sense of comfort with one another.

But then I don't really want those things for your life where you are currently.

I am listening to N cry himself to sleep because he is tired and not wanting to let sleep take over. It simply reminds me of you and how you struggled with that issue while with us.

Before you left, N really didn't have that issue but for whatever reason it has occurred two nights in a row since you've been gone.

Is this telling of your absence?

I want to say yes, but really have no clue.

I just really wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you, yearning for you, aching for you and wanting to see your beautiful face and amazing spirit, as well as, hold you in my arms forever.

Please know these are what I desire at this very moment.

I love you so my precious and wonderful, M.

Love always,

Your Momma

PS: The three of us went to the park today. We went underneath the ship, and in doing so N quickly went up to a little creature that looked pretty much like you! Daddy and I were shocked at how much this little one looked so much like you that we could see why N immediately went up to this little one. It broke our hearts knowing that N has been missing you, without his ability to verbalize it to us.

I just had to let you know so that you also knew how much N has been missing you too.

So Numb...

I'm so numb and feeling like I'm unable to do anything at all.

I'm praying and thinking about M and hoping he is doing well, and as time goes by that he will do better and better with his new life.

I ache for him to be with us right now, right here, in our home, and in our arms.

I love and miss you, M.

Love always,

Your Momma.

The Night Before The Court Date...

We know we are pretty lucky folk. We've both got great, supportive families. We have fantastic friends who are actually just as much family as our own family members, and then we have a whole email network of friends and family who have shared some amazing things.

So, despite the dread of tomorrow's court date, the reunification of M back to his birth dad, we are hanging in there. As to be expected...

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no getting out of one's head nor emotions when we encounter events in our lives that are difficult to digest. But we all must continue to function somehow despite the efforts to stave off the pain for as long as one can.

It's late and I should be asleep, but sleep is not having its way so far. Tomorrow's court date is a heavy burden on our souls, and more than that it is the process of having to pack up M with all of his earthly belongings. And somehow not dwell on the fact that M's room will no longer be his room in any permanent manner. And when we go to bed at night we will no longer have M to look in on at night, or wake to his crying, or pick him up from his crib in the mornings, seeing his smiling and dimpled cheeks looking back at us. We will only have silence.

When we took the Options for Recovery classes, they did say that losing a foster child is like a death in the family. And it certainly feels that way. And at that a slow one, such has been our case.

And when I reread my blog entries, I do see the similarities of some one who is waiting for death to come and take over.

My apparent use of finality is throughout these entries, as well as yearning for someone that will no longer be a part of our lives physically. It all has become talk of the spiritual and emotional ride that follows when death becomes someone we love dearly.

I will admit there is a thin line of hope but it seems to fade in and out throughout the day. And in that hope, I am not really sure what I specifically am hoping for. Perhaps a total miracle in dad having a change of heart in keeping M, or the judge giving birth dad a thirty day instead of a six month period where dad is allowed to return M if not working out for him. Or if something wrong occurs while M is in his care. Or if birth dad will just let us have 90 percent of the time and he can just visit him on weekends. Who the hell knows what I am really hoping...

It is all so confusing and too much to bear...

Tomorrow night will be our last night as a family of four. Oh, my tears will just flow endlessly and with great pain attached.

Oh, help me...


Aaaaawwwwhhhgggg!

Treasures to Go...

As the final days approach us, there is the task of having to gather, collect and pack up M's things since he has been with us.

In just this year alone, he has accumulated much for a little one. Simply because there are so many who love him and were generous in their giving.

I have sort of started this process already while M was on visitation with his birth dad. But it was hard to feel organized, difficult to concentrate on what to pack for him, and simply too hard to be motivated, when all I wanted to do was to claim it all for ourselves, M especially.

There will be many treasures to take with him. And hopefully down the road he will still have some of those items, if birth dad decides not to store them away or throw them out, because they were items before he had M.

I still have yet to complete a few of those treasures like his photo album, putting his name on the wooden step stool, and gathering photos for a quick overview of those who loved and cared for him while in our care.

Who knows, dad may not let him keep that either. But one never knows.

I'm not exactly sure why I am so cynical about his birth dad and his keeping M's things. I guess
I'm thinking that with his birth dad's life before, he would rather keep it simple to the life they will soon have together. Instead of having all of those reminders of our care taking, etc.

But in reality I have no clue what birth dad is thinking... Except that he is ready to take M back.

Since there is little time left, I/we need to get M's things together and figure out what goes and what stays.

There is much to do...

And so little time left...

Icky poo-poo!!

Oh, shit!

Is what I really mean.

Tears are Falling... by kim

Tears are falling.

The ache oh so deep.

Yet wouldn't change a thing.

A child's hold is tight and wanting.

Momma's arms not letting go.

It was never meant to be forever.

Though all thought it possible.

Passing back and forth.

As if just a simple commodity.

The one passing doesn't want to let go.

The one receiving taking out of honor.

From birth til now.

Deep down they knew it could happen.

As time went by they knew it would happen.

And soon it will happen.

The passing will be no more.

The receiving will be forever.

Tears will continue to fall.

The ache in time will lessen.

But for now it is raw.

So raw it is indescribable.

Tears are falling.

Even as she writes.

The ache is pressing.

The loss will be great.

In words it's not enough.

Not enough to tell the whole story.

The experience unimaginable.

Yet magical.

The little creature oh so precious.

And yet not theirs.

Tears are falling.

The ache...

The ache...

The pain...

The unfathomable sense of loss...

Is indescribable.

In time...

Jesus will clarify.

Why...

They ARE Good Looking Boys!!!

I love the fact that all kinds of folks tell us that our boys are so good looking. And they are!
If I had had them myself, then I don't think I'd feel confident enough to boast about their looks, but since I did not create either one of them, I feel I can say thank you without any hesitation at all. It's funny that way...

I know Mh and I would have made beautiful kiddles simply because we are a biracial couple and the mix of our two races, most always make amazingly cute and beautiful babies. But in a way, to know we didn't create these two wonderful creatures just makes it even more special that others compliment on them.

So, I am relishing in the compliments of our oh so cute, beautiful and wonderful boys. AND truly they are...

To my two boys, I love you both so very, very, very much.

Your Momma.

I Know Some May Be Wondering...

I know some of those I've spoken to about our situation and or have read this blog have wondered to some degree or another whether I am still a professing 'Christian'.

Much of my language doesn't resonate with what a christian would or should be using. I have not been using the christendom jargon of praising god, using scripture, using the phrase: 'with god all things are possible'.

Right now, I have been feeling selfish with my emotional and human side of me. My head knows all of the christian slang, the christian ways to make me sound like I'm truly following and obeying god in his path for me, and allowing others to see that I truly am a fervent christian in every sense of the word. But I also feel I need to be myself, and myself right now is in a very sucky place, I know I don't need to apologize to jesus for that. He is very aware of my/our situation and our hearts, and I believe allows us to be in this kind of place for whatever time is needed. But in the end, he knows the praises I have and continue to give him for our situation, and know that somehow, without truly understanding, that it was all for a spiritual reason that we have gone through what we are currently in the midst of.

That's the beauty of the jesus I know. It's a personal relationship. In the end, it's between me and him and those pearly gates that supposedly are being manned by St. Peter.

I used to be like other christians in my community who used specific phrases, was 'encouraging' to others by letting them know things that they already knew, and did it all out of 'love' for them because that's what jesus would have done. So, now I am just myself: open, honest, and an ungodly, heathen christian deep within, yet know that my relationship with jesus is what it should and be and the two of us are doing fine.

Love and Shalom.

Happy Food...

Okay, so it's probably no surprise to some folks that I am an emotional eater. One can look at me and probably see that right off the bat. Since I've known this very fact for quite some time, I've decided to just let it be that and move on with my life. I could go to therapy or a hypnotist or a christian counselor or a shaman and I probably still would end up being an emotional eater and kick myself for being this way. But after 39 years of living to some degree or another, I've decided that life is just tooooo short to worry about such things. Yes, I could possibly live longer if I worked on this issue, but by how many more years? Who knows and If I died tomorrow, I know I will have lived a very good life not feel regretful of the big stuff in life.

So, as I write this, Mh is out to get us real, thick milk shakes from the famous drive-in. It was his idea but it didn't take much to convince me to go along with this fantastic idea. It's actually been ages since we've had shakes from there. And since this was the day we dropped off M to his birth dad for his two night visitation. I bawled my head off when I got back in the car, knowing that M, no way in hell, wanted to go with his birth dad.

Instantly I wanted to eat a horse just to help myself not feel the enormous pain of passing M off to his dad and knowing that this is next to the last week that we get to keep him. Life is just shitty, icky right now.

I am the first to know that this shake is only a temporary bandage to my/our pain but never-the-less it is a bandage that is helping psychologically ease the current pain.

So, instead of taking a 'happy pill' as a friend of ours call Xanax, we are having happy food. Mmm Mmm good!

I'm not sure which is technically better for the body, the soul, the spirit or the mind, but both seem to do what they are meant to do in those times of need. And thank god for that!

I know the two of us will get through all of this in time, but for now we are eating our happy food, letting loose our tear ducts and grasping at a sense of hope that the pain will ease in time, and our lives will once again not ache as it does at this time.

Here's to 'Happy Food'!

I'm All Over The Board...

I can't seem to get my emotions in order.

One minute I feel like hitting something and then the next I feel like I've resolved the reasons for M being returned to his birth dad, and that all is fine. And then I all I want to do is scream out to god-knows-what and flip the bird to whomever is responsible for our situation. And then I'm feeling okay, really and know all is as planned, since the beginning. And then the next, I'm just hopeless. And then elated for M to have his 'real' and biological family for the rest of his life. And then...

Well I'm sure this will go on for the next few months and come in waves of great height and depth.

But at least I know what it is all stemming from. Unlike trying to figure out if it's that time-of the-month or simply hormonal or premenopausal, as my gynecologist has stated I am in the beginnings of this great change, of a woman's life.

Oh well, such is this life as I know it, at 39 years!

Those Little Toes...

Those little toes have given me many hours of pleasure from the moment I brought each of the boys home, from the hospital, to now as they become stronger and more assured in their walking abilities.

N has one of my traits amazingly. Mh pointed this out to me when N was much younger. N points his big toe and curls the rest in, leaving the big toe sticking straight up. Just as I do. It's a crack up. I have a photo of me when I was around 3-5 years-old, in the bathtub, with my feet doing that very thing. It amazes me to this day the things that we do without realizing it.

Baby toes are just deliciously wonderful and fun to watch.

I will most definitely miss M's toes when he is gone...

It's fun knowing that N's and my toe traits are not genetic. So, there must be many others who do that very thing as well. I just wonder how many there are of us out there?

M's big toe is very much like our friend, C's toes. His big toe curls upward, like a ski slope. You just want to straighten it out every time you see it. At least I did when I saw our friend C's toes for the first time! But now I have come to appreciate its unique characteristic and it is befitting of our little M!

Thank you, my little boys for allowing your Momma to play with, kiss on and tickle and observe your precious little toes.

What joy you have given me by allowing me this simple little joy.

Love,

Your Momma

It's A Rhetorical Question, Dummy!

I know that we are not the only couple in the universe who has had to give up a foster child, that has been in our care for a great amount of time.

And I know that we won't be the last.

But sometimes I wish people would be more sensitive and more caring in their words and listening skills, and even empathetic to OUR situation, than telling me that others have gone before us.

It does not help... REALLY!

I often times think I am a good judge of character in people and then something like this happens and I wonder why I had not picked up on that before now?

So, I have had to be discerning to whom and how I share my life situations. You would think that the first five times it happened to me that I would have opened my eyes to this pet peeve and learned my lesson. Hmoompf! Well, dummy me still didn't get it until after the seventh or tenth times.

I remember as a kid this very thing would happen to me and then I always, always regretted sharing my heart. But I guess I kept thinking different people would respond differently. Well, they do and not always in the way one would hope.

I guess I just am not one of those who needs to know that there are others out there who have gone through the same thing and that I just need to get over myself and the situation and get on with life. Stop complaining... But I wasn't complaining. I was asked how I was doing and I responded. But then you find that's not what the person really wanted to know. It was a rhetorical question, dummy!

I guess I still haven't learned, even as an adult. Eeesh!

I want to think that people mean well when they have decided to respond to you, but far too often I don't think people are thinking at all...

Where Has My House Gone?

Yikes! Well, I obviously did not include a photo of the condition of our home. Yes, it is a home and it is comfortable except for the messes that are strewn about in every direction.

I have become lazy with cleaning my house. Why wouldn't I? I'd rather be playing, taking care of, rocking, strolling, laughing with my kids than having to clean the stinky bathroom, pick up the piles in each room and be orderly about my home life. Okay, that is not entirely true but I seem to have lost the ambition to keep a clean house now that I have the excuse of kiddles. And it seems to work but I realize it's got to change at some point. I mean the messy house syndrome will not hold up when they are away at college and I have nothing to do but time on my hands...

So I have resolved to picking up my life and my house so it is much less cluttered and more livable and less stress-filled. But darn life just seems to get in the way and it all gets away from me before I realize I had those extra moments to pick up that pile or those piles or that table or that bedroom. It kind of is sounding like a New Year Resolution. It probably was once upon a time, but now it's just a constant reminder of what I have no desire to do in the already short hours of a day.

Oh, well!

Life goes on and as long as my husband and kids are getting the attention they deserve and need from me, then my job is done. So, the house will have to wait when those inspirational moments to clean come crashing down on me.

Oh, the job of a momma. Cleaning. So not fun. Luckily I have a husband that is wonderful and a huge helper but also lets this area be an oversight and not a point of contention.

I sure love you, my hunna!

Thank you for putting up with me every single day...

How Could Anyone...

How could anyone not want to have this adorable creature in their lives for good? His Auntie D is just enamored with him and has been since the first time she saw him, just as we all were. Especially, since M was the first of the two boys to enter into our home and hearts.

M melts my heart daily. Just as N does too.

N is going to terribly miss and have a sense of loss without M. And M is going to feel a great sense of loss without N and his momma and daddy for the past year. But time will tell how long it will take before M no longer remembers us or his life before returning to his birth dad.

It breaks my heart to think that that could and may happen but that is human nature and the process of time. I know none of us will EVER forget M. I will have him close to my heart through a necklace, his photos and the memories of his little being.

M, I hope you will some day realize or know how very much we loved you and cared for you while you were a part of our lives. Our hearts will always carry your spirit in and through us as we continue to live out our lives.

M, I can't bear the thought of losing you... The pain is just too much for your momma to take and have to process.

I LOVE YOU, M!!!!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LET YOU GO AWAY...

I will cry you a river until there no longer are tears to shed.

I will smile every time the winds blows, just thinking of your excitement.

I will giggle when I hear your laughter in the silent moments.

I will cry myself to sleep wanting to hold you.

I will sigh at the thought of your name.

I will never stop loving you for as long as I live.

I will never forget who you were from day three until the day you are returned to your birth dad.

I will always hope to know you as you grow and become who god has created you to be.

I will always pray that you will one day want to look for us and know us once again.

I will never let go of your spirit, as it has and will continue to lift me up from what ever I may struggle with that day or that moment.

I will always, always, always love you more than I deserved to.

I will never stop wanting to be your momma. Never.

I will never forget you. Ever.

I love you, my sweet and precious M.

Love always and forever,
Your momma!

Just Turned One!

Amongst all the emotional baggage we are carrying around at this time, the idea of having to return M to his birth dad, the August 15 court date of reunification, the little time left with M, there was a wonderful celebration. N turned One Year Old yesterday.

We had a casual celebration but never-the-less celebrated N's milestone. We were going to BBQ with his Uncle Donny and enjoy being at home but our house was just such a mess, unfortunately, that it would take more time to straighten it and clean than just go out for dinner. We had Chili's. We all enjoyed ourselves and they sang to N.

I figured this casual dinner was okay for our one-year-old since we would be having a much larger party for him this coming Saturday. It's a two-fold party, really. One to celebrate his first birthday, and secondly to celebrate his adoption into our little family. And, oh, what fun it will be to have our many friends, family and neighbors celebrating this little creature of ours.

In the past, I would have been making this party a huge event, simply because I was controlling, creative and over zealous in whatever I did. So, I have learned that I need only to provide a place, food and invite the folks who will be making up the gathering. Decorations, and the like are trivial and unnecessary in the end. So, this party will be simple in its party theme but extravagant in its celebratory nature. I'm proud of myself for making this change in my life. I know M is also glad. He doesn't have to bear the brunt of my controlling nature and the chaos that comes with putting a large scaled (more than 50 folks) party together.

We are on the road to growing our little family. We have begun with one of our own and look forward to more, hopefully.

This brings up the ache of not being able to keep M in our lives forever. He is so perfect for us, his brother N, and the rest of our friends, family and neighbors who love him dearly. It is undeniably the hardest thing I will have ever had to do so far in my life. And I do not look forward to the final hours and minutes that we will have with him, as our little M.

The birth dad shared that we would be able to keep in touch with him through the years, and even have him over at our home for sleep overs. But as time goes on, and depending the frequency of the visits, he may begin to forget who we are. As well as, it will be very hard for me to be his 'auntie' or something like that when I have been his 'momma' since day three of his life. I know there will be times/moments when I just want to scream out that I AM YOUR MOMMA!!! And YOU are MY SON!!!

But will anyone hear me? Especially little M...?

Sucks To Be Us Right Now!!!

I can't sleep.

Mh and I have been crying our eyes out about the time we have left with M. And the sadness that we are laden with of his future absence in our lives. We struggle with letting go and knowing that this is what we originally signed up for. To provide a loving and safe home for a child in need, until his/her birth parents could care for them once again. It all sounds so romantic and a good deed until you live the reality of it's impact on one's life. Yes, we have done a job well done, M has grown, so far, into a beautiful and wonderful little boy who got a great start in life. Hooray for us. But that is just the doing part. It's not the feeling and emotional and day-to-day stuff that seems to count for those in higher roles of authority. Sure, they thank you for your services and for your deed well done, but they can never return the favor of allowing you to keep that child that you have cared for, for whatever amount of time, and have come to love as if he/she were your very own - personally birthed or not.

But reason seems to stand for a system that is in great need of our kind of service, but after our experience, I would not rush to tell others to go and do because when shared about it, it all sounds kind of wonderful, out-reaching and glorified. But as we have experienced, it has become one of the most difficult things we have ever done in our lives. We would not change it, per se, but I believe the reality needs to be spoken and emphasized so others will not be so foolish or naive, as to think the system in place is all wonderful. Nor the experience is not heart-wrenching.

It's like a new marriage in a way. Both think starting a new life will be all the wonderful things both have dreamed about for years and then reality rears its ugly head and all the emotional and heart-rendering things take place and it hurts like hell. Or worse, if that's possible.

But to say all this we would not have changed this experience for anything. Simply because we were allowed to care, love and become deeply attached to an amazing and truly wonderful little boy, whose spirit has just enriched our lives and spoken to both our souls very, very deeply.

These tears we have shed are not done and they will not be done for a long time. Especially for me. I have felt so deeply that even I have no words for the kind of experience I was given for this time and this beautiful little creature.

WE LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH, M. We cannot express any more how you have affected our lives and our souls.

Just Little More Than A Month More...With You!

Today is a difficult day for me. I have yet to cry until I started writing this piece. My tears are streaming down my face and I don't know if I will be able to stop them for the rest of the day.

I feel so sad as I was faced with the realization that Mh and I have only a little more than a month left with M. While I was holding M to put him down for a nap, I just wanted to freeze that moment, as I was rocking him in the chair. I wanted him to know and keep deep the knowledge of how much Mh and I have loved him, as well as all of our families and friends. And how he will always be loved by all of us no matter where he ends up in life.

I asked Mh if I could have a jewelery piece that would contain M's birthstone so that I could keep him close to my heart forever. It will also be a conversational piece down the road should we not have any other children or others with different birthdays than of Ms.

I haven't even had time to put more than four pages of his photo album, and I wanted to be sure it was done should he have to leave us. But I also realized that there is a part of me that procrastinated on his book because I was hoping that the reality would not be just that... A reality.

I was able to contain my emotions for the most part earlier in M's life but now just the mention of his situation just makes the tears surface so quickly. It is becoming very difficult to maintain my composure more and more as the time draws near.

My heart aches daily knowing that I will not longer be the 'momma' of him nor will we be able to call him our son, or will he be a part of our 'little family'. I know that there have been many, many men and women who have fostered children for years and have had to lose one or two or more throughout their experience, but it's not until you go through this very thing that you are able to really comprehend the magnitude of such an experience.

Unfortunately, the foster system really is set up to break the hearts of foster parents. We (foster parents) are only needed for a time and then the courts make their decision based on a complex system and then the foster parents are no longer needed of their services, their homes, their hearts, their care taking. It leaves huge holes of darkness and pain for those of us who get too close.

Would we do it again? We have had to question that and at this time not really sure. Perhaps the answer at this moment would be no. But time will tell and we will have to re-evaluate our reasons and purpose for committing to the fostering system and the children subjected to it's imperfect, struggling yet needed system.

I need to stop.

The pain is too much right now...

Adoption Finalization!

Wow, didn't realize it had been quite awhile since I last blogged. But life has certainly gotten busier, especially as they both are up on their two little feet. Not quite walking independently yet but certainly on the cusp.

I am awake at this crazy hour of 3am because I cannot sleep. I will be paying for this dearly tomorrow but I had to get my thoughts out before I just continued to toss and turn. You see, tomorrow is N's adoption court finalization. This means that after almost a year he will officially be our son!!!! Wow! That is just mind blowing, especially at 3am in the morning.

We've got a small but important group of friends and family who will be there for this all-important date. Michael and I have been talking to N about this day and yet he has no idea. But it will be wonderful to be able to share with him when the day comes, when he will truly understand his unique situation. For he and I have both been so completely blessed to be adopted.

I hope he will be as excited as I was about being adopted. I remember bringing my "K" book to school, in the first grade, and sharing with them of my family situation. I remember no one seemed to really be as excited as I was and that seemed strange to me. Actually, I recall being rather disappointed. I thought how could they not think this was so cool? But then we did live in a town that was mostly white and 'colored' folk were most certainly different and interesting, to say the least...

But I also know we all experience life in our own ways and so I need to remind myself about how N may feel about his situation. With what seems to be his good nature and great disposition, I hope it will be a positive thing for him. I so look forward to our conversation one of these days.

I have so much more to say about this but the feelings are so jumbled inside that I'm just not sure how to say it. But for now this is good and satisfied my need to get up at this horrible hour.

My next blog will be of the bittersweet nature and I'm sure I will cry a river while writing it.

Stay tuned!

Are they twins?

It's interesting how we as humans are so fascinated by twins and more. Until we had these two boys, I was always asking others if their children were twins and how did they get along, etc.
I think it's funny that I still did this even though I had worked and roomed with identical twins in college. Multiples are definitely a fascinating phenomenon to the human psyche.

I had always wanted twins, thinking that it would be the fastest way to have the twelve kiddles I always wanted. I knew I never wanted triplets or quads because my poor under 5 foot body frame would never be able to handle it. As it is, I never had to bore any child through this body. And I still got twin-like kiddles. Now that's a miracle!!

It never fails when we go out with the boys, whether as a little family of four or just me and the boys, the question always gets asked, 'Are they twins?'. Most folks get the look of deer in headlights when we say they are just shy of a month apart. Others are still not sure if they heard correct and ask for correction, and others go on as if it were a normal situation. With the latter folks, we just chuckle inside and move right along.

I think the greatest thing about having others ask us about the twinship of the boys is that I (most often) get to hear some amazing stories of those who were adopted or gave up their own child or had them taken away from them. Otherwise I would never had met these folks and learned something new about my greater world. Also, it definitely has been a conversation opener of my being an adoptee.

So, if M no longer is with us, we will no longer have the twins question being asked and that will just add another dimension to our loss of him in our lives.

But I know the final answer has yet to be answered and so I (we) continue to enjoy, spoil and embrace our time and lives with M.

So my time with twins may possibly be short lived but I must say, I will have enjoyed it immensely while it have lasted.

I can't imagine anything else but them...

I Forgot...

Oh ya, I forgot that they both will do anything to have you not put them in their car seat. That could include screaming, crying, arching the ol' back, grabbing a hold of your neck with their nails embedded, as well as holding on to anything that will allow them more time of what they figure is freedom. And sometimes I can't blame them, especially come summer when it is bloody hot in the van. But otherwise, they are riding in shear comfort, an Eddie Bauer brand car seat. What's not to like??!! Ha!

Let's see - the other things that occur in our household is with N not sleeping at night because he is too busy working on his rolling over stuff. He has decided it's play time or exercise time, which ever way he wants to look at it. We just crack up and wonder what he will do next. It's all a new thing for him so he is just trying to figure it all out in his timing, of course.

This Wednesday will be a very hard day for Michael and me. Neither of us are looking forward to it. But it was eventually coming and we knew it. It just sucks that reality has to hit. We are having to bring M to visitation and leave him there for the full day, 9am-4pm. This will be the first time we've been away from him for that long a time during visitation. Up until now he had had only a two hour visit with his birth dad. Actually, it's never easy to leave him even for the two hour visit. Basically because we just wish he could be ours forever. But we signed up for this and new what the game plan was and were willing to play along. But, again, reality sets in and BAM! it hits like a mac truck. Even when we know it's coming, it still seems to side swipe us emotionally. It just totally sucks!!!!!

So when I hear M cry, whine or scream, I just enjoy it for what it is because I know I may not be hearing it after August 15th. I just want to cry a river...

Getting the Boys

I just love getting each of the boys from their cribs. They usually have a huge smile, a few giggles and for M, he has outstretched arms for me to pick him up. N doesn't do that yet but then he is pretty independent and only needs a hug every so often.

The usual squawks, screams, squirming to get going and tantrum-like behavior always comes in the way of changing their diapers and especially changing their clothes. It cracks me up that this is a daily routine of doing these tasks but for them it's still as if it's the first time. And they just can't stand it. They want to be anywhere but getting changed. So, the drama plays out and we all survive... Especially the boys.

But I wouldn't have it any other way. Well, maybe it would be nice if they just were pleasant during those times too but then I wouldn't have anything to write about.

The journey goes on...

I'm Back To Blogging... As a new Momma!

Well, I apparently couldn't stay away from blogging that long. I know I have so much in this little brain of mine that just has to come out.

But now I have a greater and more exciting reason to be blogging... I became a Momma!

So this new blog will be writings and musings about being a mom, a somewhat-adjusted human being (at least in my mind-ha!ha!), and what my big, big world has in store for me and my family.

Be patient, as I will not be able to blog as often as I'd like. My boys are basically twins (currently 9 & 8 months respectively) when it comes to caring for them. So... My time is filled to the max but I'm hoping to get some of the craziness down some how.

Hope you'll return time and time again and take in what's said, with a bit of humor, on the side.