This Munchkin Is A Hoot!

Oh, to know this creature of mine is to experience great happiness and enjoyment from just watching him!

He is just an amazing, funny, silly and busy, busy little creature.

I just love his laughter, his great smile and that twinkle in his eye that will be haunting Mh and me until he moves out on his own. It could get scary...

If he will be anything like me, then we are in trouble. I was a dare devil, athletic, and adventurous. And my mom's famous line for me was... 'Don't do anything stupid!'.

Eesh! I know I'll be hearing myself say that to him one of these days.

But if he is anything like his daddy, my quiet, unassuming, and geeky husband, then he's going to be better off. Hahaha!

To look at N, one may think he will be a football player or an American Gladiator or Sumo Wrestler. But one can never tell just yet. His personality is big but he could very well be an analyst, a mechanical or electrical engineer or a bike repairman. Who knows...

I look forward to seeing what becomes of N. But if nothing else, I wish for him to enjoy life, respect all people, become what god has created him to be, and remember where he came from. Of course, there is always more I want for him but those are just a few of the things at this very moment in time. It could change tomorrow...

But for now I just get to enjoy every minute with him and am so honored to be his momma.

I love you, N!!

Love always your Momma.

Not As Discombobulated Now...

Okay, so now I've figured out why I was feeling so discombobulated. Hey, I like that word! It's just fun to type, to say and to see it written.

Just got side tracked for a moment, sorry.

Anyways, my feelings of being discombobulated were due to still grieving and feeling the loss of M. The emptiness of his lack of presence in our home. Though intellectually, I know he is in a good home, bonding well with his birth dad and continuing to develop, yet it has still been hard to not yearn for his place in our family.

But since having gone to two classes on grief and loss, it really helped with being okay to still be in the grieving process, and still feel the sense of loss, and know that I am a fairly emotional healthy person. And since we are able to see M every two weeks, that really helps with the continuity of his presence in our lives. But at the same time, knowing how much attention M needed from me, particularly, and the lack of undivided attention N was able to get from me, before M left, it has has made a world of difference in our household. N is happier and enjoying the attention he deserves yet gets to see his brother every so often. And he seems great with that since MH is there to help out during M's entire visit. Allowing me to not have to be the one M clings to at every moment. I don't really get the phrase 'things happen for a reason' but in this case maybe it fits... Despite the loss of his permanent place in our little family.

I still find myself saying 'the boys' or 'my boys', or 'my two boys'. And I may always do that simply because we had over a year of being a family of four. And since it was my first experience as a momma and being a caretaker of such creatures, it's reasonable to see why it has affected me so much.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have finally gotten out of my funk. And am able to continue on the road of life with one child, who is busy and fun, and still be able to enjoy the love and presence of M every two weeks. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing!". And indeed it is!!!

I am just thrilled to have had this entire experience this past year despite the heartache and loss that became of it. But life goes on and I made it through and there will be other events to enjoy, experience on this journey called life. I was not the only one that made it through, but each and every one of my little family made it through and we are better for it!

I still have days where I tear up thinking of M but my thoughts have become much more encouraging and positive in how I perceive this absolute arraignment we have at our disposal.

Feeling Discombobulated!

Well, it's been a bit of time since my last entry and, as the title states, I am feeling quite discombobulated. I actually wasn't sure I had spelled it correctly, so I went to Webster on line and found I still can spell even at 1:30 in the morning. Eesh! Not sure if that is something to be that proud of... Hmm...

I actually have a lot to share but the things in my head and in my heart are not cooperating and thus nothing is coming out. Dang!

Each day seems to bring a sense of routine for N and me and that's good because he needs that. He fortunately is good about taking his nap(s) during the day. It's the night time sleep he has decided to keep us on our toes about.

Actually, it's been interesting since M left us because N started doing what M used to do during his night time sleep: Waking up to play or playing the 'I don't want you to put me back in the crib even if I was sound asleep just seconds ago.', or whatever else he thinks up. Before M left, N was the great sleeper of the night. So we've decided that N didn't want us to miss M too much so he'd take on this little aspect of his nature. Very cute, N! Very cute!

I am awake because N woke up wanting snuggle time and a bottle but then I couldn't go back to sleep, and since I have so much 'stuff' within, I thought I'd try to journal a bit.

It's not really helping, cause what I want to say isn't what is being put down. This is just the fluff stuff.

I guess I'll call it a night since nothing, of great significance, is coming out of this ol' brain.