Not As Discombobulated Now...

Okay, so now I've figured out why I was feeling so discombobulated. Hey, I like that word! It's just fun to type, to say and to see it written.

Just got side tracked for a moment, sorry.

Anyways, my feelings of being discombobulated were due to still grieving and feeling the loss of M. The emptiness of his lack of presence in our home. Though intellectually, I know he is in a good home, bonding well with his birth dad and continuing to develop, yet it has still been hard to not yearn for his place in our family.

But since having gone to two classes on grief and loss, it really helped with being okay to still be in the grieving process, and still feel the sense of loss, and know that I am a fairly emotional healthy person. And since we are able to see M every two weeks, that really helps with the continuity of his presence in our lives. But at the same time, knowing how much attention M needed from me, particularly, and the lack of undivided attention N was able to get from me, before M left, it has has made a world of difference in our household. N is happier and enjoying the attention he deserves yet gets to see his brother every so often. And he seems great with that since MH is there to help out during M's entire visit. Allowing me to not have to be the one M clings to at every moment. I don't really get the phrase 'things happen for a reason' but in this case maybe it fits... Despite the loss of his permanent place in our little family.

I still find myself saying 'the boys' or 'my boys', or 'my two boys'. And I may always do that simply because we had over a year of being a family of four. And since it was my first experience as a momma and being a caretaker of such creatures, it's reasonable to see why it has affected me so much.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I have finally gotten out of my funk. And am able to continue on the road of life with one child, who is busy and fun, and still be able to enjoy the love and presence of M every two weeks. As Martha would say, "It's a good thing!". And indeed it is!!!

I am just thrilled to have had this entire experience this past year despite the heartache and loss that became of it. But life goes on and I made it through and there will be other events to enjoy, experience on this journey called life. I was not the only one that made it through, but each and every one of my little family made it through and we are better for it!

I still have days where I tear up thinking of M but my thoughts have become much more encouraging and positive in how I perceive this absolute arraignment we have at our disposal.