My Way Of Grieving You, M.

Hi, M.

I just wanted to let you know that daddy and I are grieving you terribly.

We struggle each day to maintain some sense of normalcy and yet there is just too much that reminds us of you throughout our home and our memories.

N has been huge in helping us to get through each day, as he is very busy chatting it up, walking, exploring and laughing out loud. All of these things have helped us to focus on him and our caring for him, but it also is a reminder that you are no longer with us.

Just today, our neighbors V and P mentioned that they missed you and that just killed your daddy and me. We both said, under our breath, the same thing. That we were missing you too.

N is sound asleep and we are about to head to bed ourselves. But I had to ask daddy if I could sleep in your room, on the spare bed, because it would help me to feel closer to you and help me in my grieving the loss of you. I hope you understand this unusual request.

This loss has been so great and difficult to find ways that will help ease the pain we feel, that my idea to sleep in your room was necessary for me. I have yet to find something that helps me to feel as close to you. Maybe tomorrow I will come up with something else, but for now sleeping in your room will help me somehow. At least I hope so...

Goodnight my little M and sweet dreams to you my precious Sunshine.

Love always and forever,

Your Momma

I Can't Not Worry, M.

My dear and sweetest, M.

I can't help but worry about you and wonder how you are fairing.

I hope you know that we miss you dearly and wish we could at least see you again very soon.

I have had many thoughts about how you are doing and they have not been good thoughts. I have worried that you are biting yourself more frequently, worried that your caretaker may be more strict with you and more aggressive with you, and worried that you are forgetting us.

These thoughts have no serious basis but it is the only thing I can think about when I know how sensitive a creature you are. I know it doesn't take much for you to become upset, frantic, fearful and begin biting. So, I just have to wonder that those things that were occurring before you began living apart from us are still happening as the days of our separation continue to widen.

It pains me to think that any of those possibilities could be true. I pray to god that they are not. But I know how daddy and I took care of you and understood, most of the time, your temperament. But not knowing your caretaker or your birth dad very well, it makes me think otherwise, and I know that I shouldn't, but I know that the deepest part of me wants the best for you in every part of your life.

Obviously, the unknown is killing me and I just want to get even a glimpse that you are okay.

I pray that you are.

I hope that you are.

I want to know that you are.

More than okay...

I love you so much and miss you more than my words can express.

I ache just writing this to you.

You are my little creature that I will always love no matter where you go in life.

Love always,

Your Momma

The Days Go By...

photo by tully rohrer:
The days go by as if any other day. A child to get up, feed, love on, laugh with, chase about, giggle with, hug and kiss at every moment allowed.

Another day goes by like any other day. The husband, the child, the cat, the world outside her door and the constant ache of someone missing from her life, their lives.

The days go by like any other day. The phone rings, the newspaper in the driveway, the cat meowing to be fed, the husband showering, the child watching a children's appropriate show, the momma wondering how her other chick is doing at someone else's home.

Another day goes by, the momma passes by the room that houses the empty crib that once belonged to her other chick. Sadness deepens within, a hunger to scream is just about to surface, the need to suppress these feelings must be done, as the house is quiet with the husband asleep, the child asleep, the cat asleep and the world outside her door asleep.

And yet not another day goes by that she doesn't yearn for that child that is no longer with the rest of her family.

It has only been six days since that child has no longer lived with the family, with the empty crib.

Yet the days go by when it feels like his absence has been hundreds of days passed.

And yet not...

The days continue to go by.

And by...

Without the other child in their lives.

Thank God For You, N!

You are Momma and Daddy's little dicken...

Oh, N you are such a beautiful, personable and funny little creature to behold!

We are so thankful for your amazing little life and that you were destined to complete daddy's and my life forever.

I hope that with the leaving of M, that you are not feeling as though we are neglecting you.

Believe me, we love you so dearly that you are what has kept us from truly going into a deep depression.

Your little antics, your love to be chased and how you just love to meet all kinds of people are just a few of the things that are helping us to continue on with life. Because of you our lives are full!

In no way would we trade you for the world!

Love always,

Your Momma

Will You Be Lost To Us Forever?

Will you be lost to us forever?

Oh, I so hope not.

I can't stand it.

The pain and sense of loss is just too great for this grieving soul.

We returned you this past Thursday and it is only Sunday.

It already feels like a lifetime since you've been gone.

I only hope that you are fairing well.

That you are smiling, giggling, being silly and chatting up a storm.

But then the selfish part of me hopes you are not doing all of those things.

I want to be the one that you do those things for, not your birth dad or care taker.

I do hope you are not biting yourself out of frustration, out of pain or out of neglect.

I hope they are at least able to help you feel a sense of connection so that you are fairing okay.

I'm so sorry that I am being so selfish in my thinking.

I know that I should be wishing you a time of getting to know one another better, developing a deeper bond with one another, and finding a sense of comfort with one another.

But then I don't really want those things for your life where you are currently.

I am listening to N cry himself to sleep because he is tired and not wanting to let sleep take over. It simply reminds me of you and how you struggled with that issue while with us.

Before you left, N really didn't have that issue but for whatever reason it has occurred two nights in a row since you've been gone.

Is this telling of your absence?

I want to say yes, but really have no clue.

I just really wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you, yearning for you, aching for you and wanting to see your beautiful face and amazing spirit, as well as, hold you in my arms forever.

Please know these are what I desire at this very moment.

I love you so my precious and wonderful, M.

Love always,

Your Momma

PS: The three of us went to the park today. We went underneath the ship, and in doing so N quickly went up to a little creature that looked pretty much like you! Daddy and I were shocked at how much this little one looked so much like you that we could see why N immediately went up to this little one. It broke our hearts knowing that N has been missing you, without his ability to verbalize it to us.

I just had to let you know so that you also knew how much N has been missing you too.

So Numb...

I'm so numb and feeling like I'm unable to do anything at all.

I'm praying and thinking about M and hoping he is doing well, and as time goes by that he will do better and better with his new life.

I ache for him to be with us right now, right here, in our home, and in our arms.

I love and miss you, M.

Love always,

Your Momma.

The Night Before The Court Date...

We know we are pretty lucky folk. We've both got great, supportive families. We have fantastic friends who are actually just as much family as our own family members, and then we have a whole email network of friends and family who have shared some amazing things.

So, despite the dread of tomorrow's court date, the reunification of M back to his birth dad, we are hanging in there. As to be expected...

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no getting out of one's head nor emotions when we encounter events in our lives that are difficult to digest. But we all must continue to function somehow despite the efforts to stave off the pain for as long as one can.

It's late and I should be asleep, but sleep is not having its way so far. Tomorrow's court date is a heavy burden on our souls, and more than that it is the process of having to pack up M with all of his earthly belongings. And somehow not dwell on the fact that M's room will no longer be his room in any permanent manner. And when we go to bed at night we will no longer have M to look in on at night, or wake to his crying, or pick him up from his crib in the mornings, seeing his smiling and dimpled cheeks looking back at us. We will only have silence.

When we took the Options for Recovery classes, they did say that losing a foster child is like a death in the family. And it certainly feels that way. And at that a slow one, such has been our case.

And when I reread my blog entries, I do see the similarities of some one who is waiting for death to come and take over.

My apparent use of finality is throughout these entries, as well as yearning for someone that will no longer be a part of our lives physically. It all has become talk of the spiritual and emotional ride that follows when death becomes someone we love dearly.

I will admit there is a thin line of hope but it seems to fade in and out throughout the day. And in that hope, I am not really sure what I specifically am hoping for. Perhaps a total miracle in dad having a change of heart in keeping M, or the judge giving birth dad a thirty day instead of a six month period where dad is allowed to return M if not working out for him. Or if something wrong occurs while M is in his care. Or if birth dad will just let us have 90 percent of the time and he can just visit him on weekends. Who the hell knows what I am really hoping...

It is all so confusing and too much to bear...

Tomorrow night will be our last night as a family of four. Oh, my tears will just flow endlessly and with great pain attached.

Oh, help me...


Aaaaawwwwhhhgggg!

Treasures to Go...

As the final days approach us, there is the task of having to gather, collect and pack up M's things since he has been with us.

In just this year alone, he has accumulated much for a little one. Simply because there are so many who love him and were generous in their giving.

I have sort of started this process already while M was on visitation with his birth dad. But it was hard to feel organized, difficult to concentrate on what to pack for him, and simply too hard to be motivated, when all I wanted to do was to claim it all for ourselves, M especially.

There will be many treasures to take with him. And hopefully down the road he will still have some of those items, if birth dad decides not to store them away or throw them out, because they were items before he had M.

I still have yet to complete a few of those treasures like his photo album, putting his name on the wooden step stool, and gathering photos for a quick overview of those who loved and cared for him while in our care.

Who knows, dad may not let him keep that either. But one never knows.

I'm not exactly sure why I am so cynical about his birth dad and his keeping M's things. I guess
I'm thinking that with his birth dad's life before, he would rather keep it simple to the life they will soon have together. Instead of having all of those reminders of our care taking, etc.

But in reality I have no clue what birth dad is thinking... Except that he is ready to take M back.

Since there is little time left, I/we need to get M's things together and figure out what goes and what stays.

There is much to do...

And so little time left...

Icky poo-poo!!

Oh, shit!

Is what I really mean.

Tears are Falling... by kim

Tears are falling.

The ache oh so deep.

Yet wouldn't change a thing.

A child's hold is tight and wanting.

Momma's arms not letting go.

It was never meant to be forever.

Though all thought it possible.

Passing back and forth.

As if just a simple commodity.

The one passing doesn't want to let go.

The one receiving taking out of honor.

From birth til now.

Deep down they knew it could happen.

As time went by they knew it would happen.

And soon it will happen.

The passing will be no more.

The receiving will be forever.

Tears will continue to fall.

The ache in time will lessen.

But for now it is raw.

So raw it is indescribable.

Tears are falling.

Even as she writes.

The ache is pressing.

The loss will be great.

In words it's not enough.

Not enough to tell the whole story.

The experience unimaginable.

Yet magical.

The little creature oh so precious.

And yet not theirs.

Tears are falling.

The ache...

The ache...

The pain...

The unfathomable sense of loss...

Is indescribable.

In time...

Jesus will clarify.

Why...

They ARE Good Looking Boys!!!

I love the fact that all kinds of folks tell us that our boys are so good looking. And they are!
If I had had them myself, then I don't think I'd feel confident enough to boast about their looks, but since I did not create either one of them, I feel I can say thank you without any hesitation at all. It's funny that way...

I know Mh and I would have made beautiful kiddles simply because we are a biracial couple and the mix of our two races, most always make amazingly cute and beautiful babies. But in a way, to know we didn't create these two wonderful creatures just makes it even more special that others compliment on them.

So, I am relishing in the compliments of our oh so cute, beautiful and wonderful boys. AND truly they are...

To my two boys, I love you both so very, very, very much.

Your Momma.

I Know Some May Be Wondering...

I know some of those I've spoken to about our situation and or have read this blog have wondered to some degree or another whether I am still a professing 'Christian'.

Much of my language doesn't resonate with what a christian would or should be using. I have not been using the christendom jargon of praising god, using scripture, using the phrase: 'with god all things are possible'.

Right now, I have been feeling selfish with my emotional and human side of me. My head knows all of the christian slang, the christian ways to make me sound like I'm truly following and obeying god in his path for me, and allowing others to see that I truly am a fervent christian in every sense of the word. But I also feel I need to be myself, and myself right now is in a very sucky place, I know I don't need to apologize to jesus for that. He is very aware of my/our situation and our hearts, and I believe allows us to be in this kind of place for whatever time is needed. But in the end, he knows the praises I have and continue to give him for our situation, and know that somehow, without truly understanding, that it was all for a spiritual reason that we have gone through what we are currently in the midst of.

That's the beauty of the jesus I know. It's a personal relationship. In the end, it's between me and him and those pearly gates that supposedly are being manned by St. Peter.

I used to be like other christians in my community who used specific phrases, was 'encouraging' to others by letting them know things that they already knew, and did it all out of 'love' for them because that's what jesus would have done. So, now I am just myself: open, honest, and an ungodly, heathen christian deep within, yet know that my relationship with jesus is what it should and be and the two of us are doing fine.

Love and Shalom.

Happy Food...

Okay, so it's probably no surprise to some folks that I am an emotional eater. One can look at me and probably see that right off the bat. Since I've known this very fact for quite some time, I've decided to just let it be that and move on with my life. I could go to therapy or a hypnotist or a christian counselor or a shaman and I probably still would end up being an emotional eater and kick myself for being this way. But after 39 years of living to some degree or another, I've decided that life is just tooooo short to worry about such things. Yes, I could possibly live longer if I worked on this issue, but by how many more years? Who knows and If I died tomorrow, I know I will have lived a very good life not feel regretful of the big stuff in life.

So, as I write this, Mh is out to get us real, thick milk shakes from the famous drive-in. It was his idea but it didn't take much to convince me to go along with this fantastic idea. It's actually been ages since we've had shakes from there. And since this was the day we dropped off M to his birth dad for his two night visitation. I bawled my head off when I got back in the car, knowing that M, no way in hell, wanted to go with his birth dad.

Instantly I wanted to eat a horse just to help myself not feel the enormous pain of passing M off to his dad and knowing that this is next to the last week that we get to keep him. Life is just shitty, icky right now.

I am the first to know that this shake is only a temporary bandage to my/our pain but never-the-less it is a bandage that is helping psychologically ease the current pain.

So, instead of taking a 'happy pill' as a friend of ours call Xanax, we are having happy food. Mmm Mmm good!

I'm not sure which is technically better for the body, the soul, the spirit or the mind, but both seem to do what they are meant to do in those times of need. And thank god for that!

I know the two of us will get through all of this in time, but for now we are eating our happy food, letting loose our tear ducts and grasping at a sense of hope that the pain will ease in time, and our lives will once again not ache as it does at this time.

Here's to 'Happy Food'!