The Night Before The Court Date...

We know we are pretty lucky folk. We've both got great, supportive families. We have fantastic friends who are actually just as much family as our own family members, and then we have a whole email network of friends and family who have shared some amazing things.

So, despite the dread of tomorrow's court date, the reunification of M back to his birth dad, we are hanging in there. As to be expected...

Unfortunately, sometimes there is no getting out of one's head nor emotions when we encounter events in our lives that are difficult to digest. But we all must continue to function somehow despite the efforts to stave off the pain for as long as one can.

It's late and I should be asleep, but sleep is not having its way so far. Tomorrow's court date is a heavy burden on our souls, and more than that it is the process of having to pack up M with all of his earthly belongings. And somehow not dwell on the fact that M's room will no longer be his room in any permanent manner. And when we go to bed at night we will no longer have M to look in on at night, or wake to his crying, or pick him up from his crib in the mornings, seeing his smiling and dimpled cheeks looking back at us. We will only have silence.

When we took the Options for Recovery classes, they did say that losing a foster child is like a death in the family. And it certainly feels that way. And at that a slow one, such has been our case.

And when I reread my blog entries, I do see the similarities of some one who is waiting for death to come and take over.

My apparent use of finality is throughout these entries, as well as yearning for someone that will no longer be a part of our lives physically. It all has become talk of the spiritual and emotional ride that follows when death becomes someone we love dearly.

I will admit there is a thin line of hope but it seems to fade in and out throughout the day. And in that hope, I am not really sure what I specifically am hoping for. Perhaps a total miracle in dad having a change of heart in keeping M, or the judge giving birth dad a thirty day instead of a six month period where dad is allowed to return M if not working out for him. Or if something wrong occurs while M is in his care. Or if birth dad will just let us have 90 percent of the time and he can just visit him on weekends. Who the hell knows what I am really hoping...

It is all so confusing and too much to bear...

Tomorrow night will be our last night as a family of four. Oh, my tears will just flow endlessly and with great pain attached.

Oh, help me...


Aaaaawwwwhhhgggg!