Will You Be Lost To Us Forever?

Will you be lost to us forever?

Oh, I so hope not.

I can't stand it.

The pain and sense of loss is just too great for this grieving soul.

We returned you this past Thursday and it is only Sunday.

It already feels like a lifetime since you've been gone.

I only hope that you are fairing well.

That you are smiling, giggling, being silly and chatting up a storm.

But then the selfish part of me hopes you are not doing all of those things.

I want to be the one that you do those things for, not your birth dad or care taker.

I do hope you are not biting yourself out of frustration, out of pain or out of neglect.

I hope they are at least able to help you feel a sense of connection so that you are fairing okay.

I'm so sorry that I am being so selfish in my thinking.

I know that I should be wishing you a time of getting to know one another better, developing a deeper bond with one another, and finding a sense of comfort with one another.

But then I don't really want those things for your life where you are currently.

I am listening to N cry himself to sleep because he is tired and not wanting to let sleep take over. It simply reminds me of you and how you struggled with that issue while with us.

Before you left, N really didn't have that issue but for whatever reason it has occurred two nights in a row since you've been gone.

Is this telling of your absence?

I want to say yes, but really have no clue.

I just really wanted to let you know that I am always thinking of you, yearning for you, aching for you and wanting to see your beautiful face and amazing spirit, as well as, hold you in my arms forever.

Please know these are what I desire at this very moment.

I love you so my precious and wonderful, M.

Love always,

Your Momma

PS: The three of us went to the park today. We went underneath the ship, and in doing so N quickly went up to a little creature that looked pretty much like you! Daddy and I were shocked at how much this little one looked so much like you that we could see why N immediately went up to this little one. It broke our hearts knowing that N has been missing you, without his ability to verbalize it to us.

I just had to let you know so that you also knew how much N has been missing you too.