I know some of those I've spoken to about our situation and or have read this blog have wondered to some degree or another whether I am still a professing 'Christian'.
Much of my language doesn't resonate with what a christian would or should be using. I have not been using the christendom jargon of praising god, using scripture, using the phrase: 'with god all things are possible'.
Right now, I have been feeling selfish with my emotional and human side of me. My head knows all of the christian slang, the christian ways to make me sound like I'm truly following and obeying god in his path for me, and allowing others to see that I truly am a fervent christian in every sense of the word. But I also feel I need to be myself, and myself right now is in a very sucky place, I know I don't need to apologize to jesus for that. He is very aware of my/our situation and our hearts, and I believe allows us to be in this kind of place for whatever time is needed. But in the end, he knows the praises I have and continue to give him for our situation, and know that somehow, without truly understanding, that it was all for a spiritual reason that we have gone through what we are currently in the midst of.
That's the beauty of the jesus I know. It's a personal relationship. In the end, it's between me and him and those pearly gates that supposedly are being manned by St. Peter.
I used to be like other christians in my community who used specific phrases, was 'encouraging' to others by letting them know things that they already knew, and did it all out of 'love' for them because that's what jesus would have done. So, now I am just myself: open, honest, and an ungodly, heathen christian deep within, yet know that my relationship with jesus is what it should and be and the two of us are doing fine.
Love and Shalom.
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