Me, Myself and What I Strive To Be...

So, here I am in my early 40's and kind of reassessing life once again. I did this very same thing in my 30's and it proved to be a lot of hard work, rewarding emotionally and spiritually, as well as helping me to not be complacent about my life and where I am headed. I have no idea exactly where I am headed but I know that with out doing any of the hard work, to better myself, I know I would have had a lot more struggles, much more animosity against others, and feel worse about who I was becoming, and who I am on a daily basis.

I can't say that a specific person helped me in any of this but I can say that it was a make up of many people, many events, and a faith that reminded me that I had much to lose and much to gain by taking the steps I did to make amends, to live with a large dose of humility, ask for help without feeling like a burden, and continuously ask myself what areas can I work on to feel like I am becoming the person I feel I was created to be.

That faith I had once before in my 30's has changed tremendously. But I still consider some amount of faith in order to go forward and be what my husband needs me to be, as well as my three kiddles.

I've always been one who worried what people thought of me. I wanted so much to please people, to make the choices they wanted me to make and be sure they knew I appreciated what they did for me. But I know that more often than not, I'd have also very much disappointed those very people by my lack of discipline and procrastination. As I write this, I realize that I often felt a sense of expectation, pressure or what have you - and I'm sure it was I who put that on myself, thus I put off what I should have been doing, which was to please them.

Michael would say I am hard on myself, which is very true, but the pleaser in me seemed too often to be in conflict with myself. In wanting to do the right thing, I'd end up wasting time worrying about getting or saying or creating just the 'right' thing so that I would continue to be in good standing. It's such a psychological game and one I have worked very hard to lessen. BUT the poison is still there I have fallen in to the trap of doing it once again. All I know is that I am better than I was before but it still pisses me off that I still do it. Ugh!

My writing these thoughts help me to see that I'm still evolving. I know I will continue to move forward because I have chosen change over complacency.

One of the persons I want to be is giving my time, my heart, my words, my ears, my understanding to others who have little or no contact with others that take the time for these very things. Or to just be one more person who is interested in the life of another. I have been drawing inspiration from a friends mom, who would make food for the homeless weekly, I believe, and would just hang out and talk with people on the street, providing them not only a meal but conversation and eye to eye contact, that sense of actually existing. I have dreamed many times that I had the kind of money to provide a meal a week to the local street people in Chico. And it is something that I will continue to strive for as my kiddles get older. But I also want them to be a part of this active participation in our community, so that they can have an understanding of what others' lives are like beyond the lower and middle class of our society.

I pray that my kiddles will know, see and experience things of our society that are not all tidy and white America.