I'm All Over The Board...

I can't seem to get my emotions in order.

One minute I feel like hitting something and then the next I feel like I've resolved the reasons for M being returned to his birth dad, and that all is fine. And then I all I want to do is scream out to god-knows-what and flip the bird to whomever is responsible for our situation. And then I'm feeling okay, really and know all is as planned, since the beginning. And then the next, I'm just hopeless. And then elated for M to have his 'real' and biological family for the rest of his life. And then...

Well I'm sure this will go on for the next few months and come in waves of great height and depth.

But at least I know what it is all stemming from. Unlike trying to figure out if it's that time-of the-month or simply hormonal or premenopausal, as my gynecologist has stated I am in the beginnings of this great change, of a woman's life.

Oh well, such is this life as I know it, at 39 years!

Those Little Toes...

Those little toes have given me many hours of pleasure from the moment I brought each of the boys home, from the hospital, to now as they become stronger and more assured in their walking abilities.

N has one of my traits amazingly. Mh pointed this out to me when N was much younger. N points his big toe and curls the rest in, leaving the big toe sticking straight up. Just as I do. It's a crack up. I have a photo of me when I was around 3-5 years-old, in the bathtub, with my feet doing that very thing. It amazes me to this day the things that we do without realizing it.

Baby toes are just deliciously wonderful and fun to watch.

I will most definitely miss M's toes when he is gone...

It's fun knowing that N's and my toe traits are not genetic. So, there must be many others who do that very thing as well. I just wonder how many there are of us out there?

M's big toe is very much like our friend, C's toes. His big toe curls upward, like a ski slope. You just want to straighten it out every time you see it. At least I did when I saw our friend C's toes for the first time! But now I have come to appreciate its unique characteristic and it is befitting of our little M!

Thank you, my little boys for allowing your Momma to play with, kiss on and tickle and observe your precious little toes.

What joy you have given me by allowing me this simple little joy.

Love,

Your Momma

It's A Rhetorical Question, Dummy!

I know that we are not the only couple in the universe who has had to give up a foster child, that has been in our care for a great amount of time.

And I know that we won't be the last.

But sometimes I wish people would be more sensitive and more caring in their words and listening skills, and even empathetic to OUR situation, than telling me that others have gone before us.

It does not help... REALLY!

I often times think I am a good judge of character in people and then something like this happens and I wonder why I had not picked up on that before now?

So, I have had to be discerning to whom and how I share my life situations. You would think that the first five times it happened to me that I would have opened my eyes to this pet peeve and learned my lesson. Hmoompf! Well, dummy me still didn't get it until after the seventh or tenth times.

I remember as a kid this very thing would happen to me and then I always, always regretted sharing my heart. But I guess I kept thinking different people would respond differently. Well, they do and not always in the way one would hope.

I guess I just am not one of those who needs to know that there are others out there who have gone through the same thing and that I just need to get over myself and the situation and get on with life. Stop complaining... But I wasn't complaining. I was asked how I was doing and I responded. But then you find that's not what the person really wanted to know. It was a rhetorical question, dummy!

I guess I still haven't learned, even as an adult. Eeesh!

I want to think that people mean well when they have decided to respond to you, but far too often I don't think people are thinking at all...

Where Has My House Gone?

Yikes! Well, I obviously did not include a photo of the condition of our home. Yes, it is a home and it is comfortable except for the messes that are strewn about in every direction.

I have become lazy with cleaning my house. Why wouldn't I? I'd rather be playing, taking care of, rocking, strolling, laughing with my kids than having to clean the stinky bathroom, pick up the piles in each room and be orderly about my home life. Okay, that is not entirely true but I seem to have lost the ambition to keep a clean house now that I have the excuse of kiddles. And it seems to work but I realize it's got to change at some point. I mean the messy house syndrome will not hold up when they are away at college and I have nothing to do but time on my hands...

So I have resolved to picking up my life and my house so it is much less cluttered and more livable and less stress-filled. But darn life just seems to get in the way and it all gets away from me before I realize I had those extra moments to pick up that pile or those piles or that table or that bedroom. It kind of is sounding like a New Year Resolution. It probably was once upon a time, but now it's just a constant reminder of what I have no desire to do in the already short hours of a day.

Oh, well!

Life goes on and as long as my husband and kids are getting the attention they deserve and need from me, then my job is done. So, the house will have to wait when those inspirational moments to clean come crashing down on me.

Oh, the job of a momma. Cleaning. So not fun. Luckily I have a husband that is wonderful and a huge helper but also lets this area be an oversight and not a point of contention.

I sure love you, my hunna!

Thank you for putting up with me every single day...

How Could Anyone...

How could anyone not want to have this adorable creature in their lives for good? His Auntie D is just enamored with him and has been since the first time she saw him, just as we all were. Especially, since M was the first of the two boys to enter into our home and hearts.

M melts my heart daily. Just as N does too.

N is going to terribly miss and have a sense of loss without M. And M is going to feel a great sense of loss without N and his momma and daddy for the past year. But time will tell how long it will take before M no longer remembers us or his life before returning to his birth dad.

It breaks my heart to think that that could and may happen but that is human nature and the process of time. I know none of us will EVER forget M. I will have him close to my heart through a necklace, his photos and the memories of his little being.

M, I hope you will some day realize or know how very much we loved you and cared for you while you were a part of our lives. Our hearts will always carry your spirit in and through us as we continue to live out our lives.

M, I can't bear the thought of losing you... The pain is just too much for your momma to take and have to process.

I LOVE YOU, M!!!!!!!

I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO LET YOU GO AWAY...

I will cry you a river until there no longer are tears to shed.

I will smile every time the winds blows, just thinking of your excitement.

I will giggle when I hear your laughter in the silent moments.

I will cry myself to sleep wanting to hold you.

I will sigh at the thought of your name.

I will never stop loving you for as long as I live.

I will never forget who you were from day three until the day you are returned to your birth dad.

I will always hope to know you as you grow and become who god has created you to be.

I will always pray that you will one day want to look for us and know us once again.

I will never let go of your spirit, as it has and will continue to lift me up from what ever I may struggle with that day or that moment.

I will always, always, always love you more than I deserved to.

I will never stop wanting to be your momma. Never.

I will never forget you. Ever.

I love you, my sweet and precious M.

Love always and forever,
Your momma!

Just Turned One!

Amongst all the emotional baggage we are carrying around at this time, the idea of having to return M to his birth dad, the August 15 court date of reunification, the little time left with M, there was a wonderful celebration. N turned One Year Old yesterday.

We had a casual celebration but never-the-less celebrated N's milestone. We were going to BBQ with his Uncle Donny and enjoy being at home but our house was just such a mess, unfortunately, that it would take more time to straighten it and clean than just go out for dinner. We had Chili's. We all enjoyed ourselves and they sang to N.

I figured this casual dinner was okay for our one-year-old since we would be having a much larger party for him this coming Saturday. It's a two-fold party, really. One to celebrate his first birthday, and secondly to celebrate his adoption into our little family. And, oh, what fun it will be to have our many friends, family and neighbors celebrating this little creature of ours.

In the past, I would have been making this party a huge event, simply because I was controlling, creative and over zealous in whatever I did. So, I have learned that I need only to provide a place, food and invite the folks who will be making up the gathering. Decorations, and the like are trivial and unnecessary in the end. So, this party will be simple in its party theme but extravagant in its celebratory nature. I'm proud of myself for making this change in my life. I know M is also glad. He doesn't have to bear the brunt of my controlling nature and the chaos that comes with putting a large scaled (more than 50 folks) party together.

We are on the road to growing our little family. We have begun with one of our own and look forward to more, hopefully.

This brings up the ache of not being able to keep M in our lives forever. He is so perfect for us, his brother N, and the rest of our friends, family and neighbors who love him dearly. It is undeniably the hardest thing I will have ever had to do so far in my life. And I do not look forward to the final hours and minutes that we will have with him, as our little M.

The birth dad shared that we would be able to keep in touch with him through the years, and even have him over at our home for sleep overs. But as time goes on, and depending the frequency of the visits, he may begin to forget who we are. As well as, it will be very hard for me to be his 'auntie' or something like that when I have been his 'momma' since day three of his life. I know there will be times/moments when I just want to scream out that I AM YOUR MOMMA!!! And YOU are MY SON!!!

But will anyone hear me? Especially little M...?

Sucks To Be Us Right Now!!!

I can't sleep.

Mh and I have been crying our eyes out about the time we have left with M. And the sadness that we are laden with of his future absence in our lives. We struggle with letting go and knowing that this is what we originally signed up for. To provide a loving and safe home for a child in need, until his/her birth parents could care for them once again. It all sounds so romantic and a good deed until you live the reality of it's impact on one's life. Yes, we have done a job well done, M has grown, so far, into a beautiful and wonderful little boy who got a great start in life. Hooray for us. But that is just the doing part. It's not the feeling and emotional and day-to-day stuff that seems to count for those in higher roles of authority. Sure, they thank you for your services and for your deed well done, but they can never return the favor of allowing you to keep that child that you have cared for, for whatever amount of time, and have come to love as if he/she were your very own - personally birthed or not.

But reason seems to stand for a system that is in great need of our kind of service, but after our experience, I would not rush to tell others to go and do because when shared about it, it all sounds kind of wonderful, out-reaching and glorified. But as we have experienced, it has become one of the most difficult things we have ever done in our lives. We would not change it, per se, but I believe the reality needs to be spoken and emphasized so others will not be so foolish or naive, as to think the system in place is all wonderful. Nor the experience is not heart-wrenching.

It's like a new marriage in a way. Both think starting a new life will be all the wonderful things both have dreamed about for years and then reality rears its ugly head and all the emotional and heart-rendering things take place and it hurts like hell. Or worse, if that's possible.

But to say all this we would not have changed this experience for anything. Simply because we were allowed to care, love and become deeply attached to an amazing and truly wonderful little boy, whose spirit has just enriched our lives and spoken to both our souls very, very deeply.

These tears we have shed are not done and they will not be done for a long time. Especially for me. I have felt so deeply that even I have no words for the kind of experience I was given for this time and this beautiful little creature.

WE LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH, M. We cannot express any more how you have affected our lives and our souls.

Just Little More Than A Month More...With You!

Today is a difficult day for me. I have yet to cry until I started writing this piece. My tears are streaming down my face and I don't know if I will be able to stop them for the rest of the day.

I feel so sad as I was faced with the realization that Mh and I have only a little more than a month left with M. While I was holding M to put him down for a nap, I just wanted to freeze that moment, as I was rocking him in the chair. I wanted him to know and keep deep the knowledge of how much Mh and I have loved him, as well as all of our families and friends. And how he will always be loved by all of us no matter where he ends up in life.

I asked Mh if I could have a jewelery piece that would contain M's birthstone so that I could keep him close to my heart forever. It will also be a conversational piece down the road should we not have any other children or others with different birthdays than of Ms.

I haven't even had time to put more than four pages of his photo album, and I wanted to be sure it was done should he have to leave us. But I also realized that there is a part of me that procrastinated on his book because I was hoping that the reality would not be just that... A reality.

I was able to contain my emotions for the most part earlier in M's life but now just the mention of his situation just makes the tears surface so quickly. It is becoming very difficult to maintain my composure more and more as the time draws near.

My heart aches daily knowing that I will not longer be the 'momma' of him nor will we be able to call him our son, or will he be a part of our 'little family'. I know that there have been many, many men and women who have fostered children for years and have had to lose one or two or more throughout their experience, but it's not until you go through this very thing that you are able to really comprehend the magnitude of such an experience.

Unfortunately, the foster system really is set up to break the hearts of foster parents. We (foster parents) are only needed for a time and then the courts make their decision based on a complex system and then the foster parents are no longer needed of their services, their homes, their hearts, their care taking. It leaves huge holes of darkness and pain for those of us who get too close.

Would we do it again? We have had to question that and at this time not really sure. Perhaps the answer at this moment would be no. But time will tell and we will have to re-evaluate our reasons and purpose for committing to the fostering system and the children subjected to it's imperfect, struggling yet needed system.

I need to stop.

The pain is too much right now...

Adoption Finalization!

Wow, didn't realize it had been quite awhile since I last blogged. But life has certainly gotten busier, especially as they both are up on their two little feet. Not quite walking independently yet but certainly on the cusp.

I am awake at this crazy hour of 3am because I cannot sleep. I will be paying for this dearly tomorrow but I had to get my thoughts out before I just continued to toss and turn. You see, tomorrow is N's adoption court finalization. This means that after almost a year he will officially be our son!!!! Wow! That is just mind blowing, especially at 3am in the morning.

We've got a small but important group of friends and family who will be there for this all-important date. Michael and I have been talking to N about this day and yet he has no idea. But it will be wonderful to be able to share with him when the day comes, when he will truly understand his unique situation. For he and I have both been so completely blessed to be adopted.

I hope he will be as excited as I was about being adopted. I remember bringing my "K" book to school, in the first grade, and sharing with them of my family situation. I remember no one seemed to really be as excited as I was and that seemed strange to me. Actually, I recall being rather disappointed. I thought how could they not think this was so cool? But then we did live in a town that was mostly white and 'colored' folk were most certainly different and interesting, to say the least...

But I also know we all experience life in our own ways and so I need to remind myself about how N may feel about his situation. With what seems to be his good nature and great disposition, I hope it will be a positive thing for him. I so look forward to our conversation one of these days.

I have so much more to say about this but the feelings are so jumbled inside that I'm just not sure how to say it. But for now this is good and satisfied my need to get up at this horrible hour.

My next blog will be of the bittersweet nature and I'm sure I will cry a river while writing it.

Stay tuned!