Sucks To Be Us Right Now!!!

I can't sleep.

Mh and I have been crying our eyes out about the time we have left with M. And the sadness that we are laden with of his future absence in our lives. We struggle with letting go and knowing that this is what we originally signed up for. To provide a loving and safe home for a child in need, until his/her birth parents could care for them once again. It all sounds so romantic and a good deed until you live the reality of it's impact on one's life. Yes, we have done a job well done, M has grown, so far, into a beautiful and wonderful little boy who got a great start in life. Hooray for us. But that is just the doing part. It's not the feeling and emotional and day-to-day stuff that seems to count for those in higher roles of authority. Sure, they thank you for your services and for your deed well done, but they can never return the favor of allowing you to keep that child that you have cared for, for whatever amount of time, and have come to love as if he/she were your very own - personally birthed or not.

But reason seems to stand for a system that is in great need of our kind of service, but after our experience, I would not rush to tell others to go and do because when shared about it, it all sounds kind of wonderful, out-reaching and glorified. But as we have experienced, it has become one of the most difficult things we have ever done in our lives. We would not change it, per se, but I believe the reality needs to be spoken and emphasized so others will not be so foolish or naive, as to think the system in place is all wonderful. Nor the experience is not heart-wrenching.

It's like a new marriage in a way. Both think starting a new life will be all the wonderful things both have dreamed about for years and then reality rears its ugly head and all the emotional and heart-rendering things take place and it hurts like hell. Or worse, if that's possible.

But to say all this we would not have changed this experience for anything. Simply because we were allowed to care, love and become deeply attached to an amazing and truly wonderful little boy, whose spirit has just enriched our lives and spoken to both our souls very, very deeply.

These tears we have shed are not done and they will not be done for a long time. Especially for me. I have felt so deeply that even I have no words for the kind of experience I was given for this time and this beautiful little creature.

WE LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH, M. We cannot express any more how you have affected our lives and our souls.